Seek Your Adventure

Tumblr or Blogger

2012-01-13T10:31:00.000-05:00

Wordpress is out of the question as I don't want to open yet another new account. I know that Wordpress would allow me to import my posts from blogger to wordpress, but blogger is sufficiently customizable for me to achieve the look that I want. The only thing I like about tumblr is its simplicity and I like the theme that I have there, although I know that Blogger has themes that are similar to it, but not quite the same as the theme I found today. I was thinking I can diversify my blogs and have two, one for everyday thoughts (this blog) and one for travel/adventures or discussions(tumblelog). As it has better audio/video/photo integration than blogger.

Did I just answer my own question? :-)

An-Naml The Ants

2011-12-02T06:27:00.001-05:00

This morning I was reading my Quran, as I normally do, at twice a week - and an ant came out of the spine. Then more, then tens, then hundreds. Tiny little black ants. I shook the book and there were little white eggs that fell out too. My Quran was infested with ants. No I was not reading surah Al-naml - that might have been too much...

But I'm sad because this Quran was a special gift to me. It was my first Quran. From a very good friend of mine...

Now I don't have a Quran anymore :(

Quranic Exegesis and taqlid

2011-10-17T12:08:00.002-04:00

Asalamu alaikum :-)

Today's post will be about my impression of the orthodox interpretation of Taqlid.

From Muhammad Sajaad's "Understanding Taqlid". I commend Brother Sajaad for expounding the topic of taqlid for us laypeople so that we might understand his viewpoint and the view point of many millions of Muslims who accepted this tradition and were guided by it.

Definition:

Taqlid means following the legal opinions of a scholar without
gaining knowledge of the detailed evidences for those opinions,
(See Imam Ghazali’s Al-Mustasfā, p.579). The non-scholar is
compelled to do this as he is unable to encompass the evidences
to assert his own view on any particular detailed issue related to
the Dīn.

For the past month or so, I have been delving deeper and deeper into the idea that the Qur'an is a text which was meant to be accessible to all people in all times, that they might be able to fully live their lives by it.

Some might say - well of course, that is the whole point of having a din. It's an entire way of life.

I will openly say that I do not hold a single qualification by which the Mujtahid (Expert Scholars) of Sunni Islam hold, mastery of:

1. Arabic Grammar (Nahw and Sarf)
2. The science of Arabic Rhetoric (‘Ilm a-balagha)
3. The sciences of Exegesis (Tafsir)
4. The science of Ḥadīth (‘Ulum al-Ḥadīth)
5. The knowledge of jurisprudence principles (Usul al-Fiqh)

-- Taken from here.

I understand completely the importance of taqlid in its general sense - that is, when you do not know or have knowledge about a subject, then it is not only wise but sometimes necessary to refer oneself to experts in the field or to the source where one might be able to find that knowledge.

I understand the importance and necessity of studying the 5 realms of knowledge mentioned above by Mr. Sajaad as important to having a firm understanding of classical Arabic, the nature of the Arabic language, the relevance of the revelation with respect to the time/place it was revealed, and knowledge of the principles of jurisprudence and also how they have been interpreted.

The issue that I have with the current interpretation of taqlid is 1) you must believe 100% that this person arrived to the most true and unbiased interpretation humanly possible, and 2) you must accept (or at least be aware) that this knowledge is not from divine sources alone. The issue is that, the only divine source we have is revelation, and the only incorruptible source is the Qur'an. The current set of religious laws that most people follow are derived from sources that are not guaranteed to be divinely preserved, sources which have contradictions, sources which are imperfect. Sometimes, these laws are even reflections of what the pagans used to practice (mentioned in the Qur'an on numerous occasions) such as stoning.

For this reason, I believe firmly that no matter how much effort a human being puts into becoming a scholar, there will always be other people who have taken the same course (studying under the scholars) as that person did and will arrive to a different conclusion. Why are there only Four Great Scholars, all of whom are from relatively the same era? Are there only Four Great Opinions? Four Great ways to live your life as a Muslim? Four Great ways to be _______? I personally believe that the Four Great Imams should be revered for their efforts, may Allah reward them all for their works. I believe that their contribution to Islam and the Ummah is immense, as it has helped people to understand what they couldn't have known or understood without their sacrifice. At the same time, limiting the scope of the Qur'an to the opinion of four sources, all of whom are supposed to have deduced their four opinions from just two sources (Qur'an and Sunnah Rasool Allah) is not doing justice to the timeless nature of the revelation of the Qur'an.

You can have all the same evidences in front of you, you can study the Great Four Imams, you can read all six books of Hadith, and finally when it comes to Quranic exegesis, people can and will simply arrive at different conclusions. There is a point when, the exegesis of the Quran leaves the Quran as its source and relies on human based examples/evidence which will inevitably cause an exegetic to arrive at a different conclusion/derivation/justification. This is the issue. I believe it is a mercy from Allah (subhana wa ta'ala) that we have these differences in opinion. It's a known fact that after the Prophet Muhammad (salallahu alayhi wa salaam) passed away, that the ummah in general related their questions/doubts to those people whom they believed had the most knowledge/who were closest to al-nabi. This makes absolute sense, since, when we are in doubt or when we have a question, we ask someone that we know for advice. It is also a known fact that there were many many many more "schools of thought" with regard to how to follow the Qur'an's guidance, before they were downsized into four schools of thought.

I understand the necessity to study all of these sources in order to have an unbiased approach, or at the very least a holistic approach. Yet it is so necessary to take into consideration the nature of the evidence which you will use to deduce a judgement. All the words that came through the Prophet's (pbuh) mouth when he was relating to us divine revelation is indisputable, this is the Qur'an. His personal opinions, his actions, his sunnah besides the revelation is a relic of his cultural upbringing and indeed very insightful to the kind of man he was - yet this is not divine revelation. If it were so, Allah (swa) could have, with ease, preserved it or mentioned anywhere in the Qur'an that the sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh) was obligatory for us to follow as believers. Yet this is not the case.

One of the most misconstrued verses:

4:59 - “Obey Allah, the Messenger and those authorities amongst you,”

This verse and verses with similar constructions where obeying Allah and the Messenger are mentioned have been used by legions of people to justify obeying: scholars, imams, deviant sects, new messengers, disbeliever authorities, etc.

The link that I placed above, was a good effort by the writer to explain why taqlid is necessary. I agree, taqlid is necessary, but not in the exact way that the author of the paper explained - this is my own opinion. First of all, let's take a look at what Mr. Sajaad used as a proof for going to "Scholars" for religious guidance.

Surah 21:7

Elsewhere in the Qur’an, Allah (swa) says, “Ask the people of
Remembrance if you know not,” (Sura al-Anbiyā: 7). This verse clearly
explains that not everyone is a scholar and nor is supposed to be,
otherwise the text would not be exhorting them to ask the scholars,
as they –those being addressed- are already scholars not needing
to rely on others like themselves. Therefore, if taqlīd of the scholars
had, as it is claimed, nothing to do with Islam, this verse should have
instead said: Look to the verses of the Quran and Hadith if you know not.

Muhsin Khan translation of this same verse:
"And We sent not before you (O Muhammad SAW) but men to whom We inspired, so ask the people of the Reminder [Scriptures - the Taurat (Torah), the Injeel (Gospel)] if you do not know."

Sahih international translation of this same verse:
"And We sent not before you, [O Muhammad], except men to whom We revealed [the message], so ask the people of the message if you do not know."

As you can see, this verse was taken outside of the context of the Surah, which can be found in 21:1-10.

This is not the first time a "Scholar" has taken a verse out of context to get a point across. Another verse taken out of context is: Qur'an - 59:7

usually "Scholars" or other religious people will shorten the verse and quote it as such:

"...And whatever the Messenger has given you - take; and what he has forbidden you - refrain from. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is severe in penalty."

When in reality, the context of the verse is:

And what Allah restored to His Messenger from the people of the towns - it is for Allah and for the Messenger and for [his] near relatives and orphans and the [stranded] traveler - so that it will not be a perpetual distribution among the rich from among you. And whatever the Messenger has given you - take; and what he has forbidden you - refrain from. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is severe in penalty. (Sahih international translation)

The people of the reminder here in verse 21:7 is absolutely referring to the people who Allah (swa) has already sent the previous revelations to.

Once again, a verse has been taken out of context to prove a point. This is in no way a healthy approach to studying the Qur'an and it only leaves people like me, us "laypeople" bitter and resentful at such an approach to explaining to us laypeople exactly why we are incapable of being fully functional Muslims without the work of "Scholars".

Speaking as a layperson, this is what I can say I absolutely know:

La ilaha il Allah
The Qur'an is from Allah (swa) and the Qur'an was preserved and protected by Allah (swa) and we have the Qur'an with us today by Allah's (swa) grace alone.
The Qur'an is a message for all people and for all times. THIS DOES NOT mean that the Qur'an was not understood in a certain context in 7th century Arabia - indeed it was. THIS DOES NOT mean that those lessons which were expounded on or that the examples which were given directly to the people who heard the revelation - that these are not relevant to us simply because we are not 7th century Arabs.
The generality and universal applicability of the Qur'an, the STARK difference between the true revelation of Allah (swa) compared to the true revelations from before which were masked over by people inserting their own thoughts/ideas/traditions into revelation are exactly what the people did beforehand and it led them astray - this process is also known as corruption.
The Qur'an is complete and fully detailed (Allah does not run out of words) - 12:111.
The Qur'an is accessible to all people for religious guidance. Allah repeatedly tells us, stresses to us, to ask ALLAH alone for help, guidance, etc.
With regard to taqlid, there should definitely be people who dedicate themselves to the study of Islam exclusively as a service to mankind. Their function should not be to determine or bring down rulings as MANDATORY, imposing on us rulings which are not in the Qur'an, but as a way to show people all of the bountiful and endless knowledge that we can gain from the Qur'an and that not a single person who dedicates their life work to studying it will ever unravel nor encompass all that can be learned from it. They can contribute by showing us that human made laws which we can use to govern our secular lives can be in complete harmony underneath the blanket of Islam as long as it is in concordance with the framework which Allah has given to us as guidance in the Qur'an.
Allah's sunnah (laws, ways, decree) does not change, never (33:62, 48:23).

I pray to Allah (swa) that "Indeed, my prayer, sacrifice, my living and my dying are for Allah, Lord of the worlds." 6:162.

In this prayer to Allah, I ask that whatsoever that I may learn or benefit from reflecting on what You have bestowed upon mankind as guidance, be accepted by my heart fully and contently without reserve. I pray that I never be misguided by my own faults, or the faults of others, that the nasty pride of our egos be tamed through worshiping You alone, by bowing down to You alone with those who bow down to You alone, and that the ummah, the world, will realize that we are in complete submission to You whether we know it or not. That the world will realize that Allah is more merciful than we can ever imagine, and that there is no ritualistically sound and perfect way for any human being to approach You. There is no divinely ordained culture, or way of approaching you, that the restrictions which you have set upon us are all clear and manifest within the Qur'an. I pray for all mankind to realize that these traditions prescribed to us as mandatory by other human beings, and disguised as "true Islam" are wrought solely by the hands of men themselves and that Allah will never cease to hear our prayers because of some perceived "deficiency" in not following those manmade traditions. Indeed this is an absolutely absurd and ludicrous idea.

Allah is capable of all things and we are incapable and fully dependent upon Allah. To Allah belongs all the asmaa al husna and we can never beautify enough the glorious magnitude of Allah which is beyond our very nature to even begin to understand. What we know is from the Grace of God alone, and that which we don't know is also from God's grace. He proportioned us exactly the way we are to be proportioned, not just physically but in every aspect. Glory be to Allah, most exalted, most merciful, most deserving of our admiration!!

--
A side note:

In Mufti Muhammad Sajaad's work listed above, they related a story about 3 judges:

Imam Nawawi, in explaining this hadith in the Commentary of
Sahih Muslim, The Book of Legal Decisions, writes:
“The Ulama stated that by the consensus of the Muslims this
hadith is about the learned judge who is qualified to judge.
Then indeed he has two rewards; a reward for his striving and
a reward for being right. If he made a mistake then he has the
single reward of his striving. There is an unmentioned prelude
to this hadith, namely that is: ‘If the judge wished to judge and
then made a judgement…’ The scholars added, as for the one
who is not qualified to make a judgement, there is no reward
for him, rather he has committed a sin. His judgement will

not be implemented whether it accords with the truth or not,
because his being correct is by chance and did not stem from
a Shar‘i principle. Thus he is disobedient in all his rulings,
whether they correspond with the truth or not. All his rulings
will be rejected and he will not be excused in any matter. It is
mentioned in a hadith in the Sunan, “Judges are of three kinds;
one in heaven and two in hell. The judge who was aware of the
truth and judged by it, will be in heaven. The judge who knew
of the truth but judged contrary to it, will be in hell. And the
judge who judged by his ignorance, will be in Hell.”

Who is and who is not going to hell is for Allah to judge, and in the Qur'an there are sufficient examples for the kinds of people who will abide therein.

If instead of proclaiming so and so will go to hell, these hadith would have said, "so and so is on the path of righteous in contrast to so and so who has erred, and the worst case is so and so who has severely erred..." This sounds more like wisdom than a prediction of that which we have no knowledge.

2011-10-05T16:23:00.000-04:00

I submit to the Lord of Al-Aalamin -2:131

Itestify, that there is no God worth of worship except Allah, by Allah's command -3:18

Surah 6:162 - Say: Verily, my prayer and my sacrifice andmy living and my dying are for Allah, the Lord of all creation.

Surah 17:36 - And follow not that of which you have no knowledge. Verily! The hearing, and the sight, and the heart, of each of those you will be questioned.

Surah 6:116 - And if you obey most of those on earth, they will mislead you far away from Allah's Path. They follow nothing but conjectures, and they do nothing but lie.

Surah 33:67 - "And they will say: Our Lord, we obeyed our masters and great men, and they misled us from the way."

Allah has given me all this knowledge and warning before my very eyes and I was too blind to see it.

I can see a little more clearly now. Although this path of knowledge is neither easy nor unbearable, but it is taxing! Well worth the effort!! Alhamdulillah.

May Allah increase the knowledge of His faithful servants.

Submit to God alone! All guidance is in the Qur'an, anything else is conjecture.

I wonder, when?

2011-10-02T22:09:00.001-04:00

This evening while sitting on my balcony, overlooking the city and breathing in the fresh and moist air that is characteristic of the Caribbean, I thought to myself: "When does life end and when does it begin?"

In biological terms our life begins at conception (or birth to some) and ends unquestionably at biological death (reincarnation?). Yet, that's not the only definition of life. What will you do with your life? - in that question, the whole meaning to the term life changes, and it no longer refers to a biological beginning or ending, instead it speaks of a greater purpose, a condition and a journey.

Can your life begin after it "ends"? Can your life end before it "begins"? When? What is the true meaning of life?

In a world where we are so distracted by the pressures of society, worldly gains and selfish pursuits, how can we ever really live and persist in a system that seems to work against the true meaning of life?

Sometimes I wonder about people who are so obsessed with being "normal" or accepted. Are they just slaves to the opinions and expectations of others? Is their life no longer theirs but instead controlled, formed and guided by the manipulating hands of the egos which they so desperately want to please? Or, are these people just another brand of normal. As a matter of fact, they are doing what millions of people do, it is a pretty run-of-the mill kind of thing to see. And, who's to say what is and isn't a normal life?

Or, take the example of a child who dies shortly after birth. The hopes and dreams of their parents for that child are devastated. A life cut short, a life gone too soon. Or was it? Was there a deeper purpose to that tragedy? Could this life lesson potentially teach them to cherish even more deeply the blessing and miracle of having a healthy child who can thrive in this world? Can even the darkest most dumbfounding, unexplained and despicable injustices in the world have profound and extenuating impacts on our lives, more than we allow ourselves to think?

I wonder.

I wonder little about when I will die, but I fear that my life will end before it ever began. I fear that I will not have lived. To me, living is finding your purpose in life. Purpose is not about doing, we do things everyday. From the mundane to the extraordinary, our lives are characterized by doing - even the people who do nothing, that is exactly what they do.

I think life ends when we give up on life, whether it is the cause of oppressive circumstances or losing the will to live, or accepting failure as your fate, in all of these cases your life has ended before it began. Instead, I would like to find that which gives me purpose in my life - the pursuit of that purpose is to me what characterizes living, and I think the discovery of that purpose is a sort of happiness and contentment that is not dictated by age or status, but by the pursuit of knowledge and understanding which will get you there. When you have attained that contentment, you will know that you've found your purpose and that your life has begun already. If you never find it, you may have lived but your life ended before it ever began.

The biggest obstacle to living life is allowing yourself to be distracted by mundane pursuits, empty goals, and selfish acts.

-and that's just my view.

My journey into Islam

2011-09-29T02:12:00.000-04:00

My journey into Islam by tatsqui

Insha2Allah, this sound clip (14 minutes) will shortly detail how I came to know and accept Islam. Hope it's not too boring!!

It doesn't just mean religion...

2011-09-27T11:25:00.002-04:00

DEEN

Usage and Meaning

Like the three terms already dealt with, the fourth, and last of the basic Qur'anic terms, namely, deen, had different connotations among the Arabs, and their use of it and its various derivatives revolved round one or other of the following four basic concepts or relationships, etc., namely:

Dominance, or sway, on the part of someone in authority;
Obedience, servitude, or worship on the part of the one submitting to the authority;
Laws, rules or regulations or code imposed, and required to be observed, in the context of the above relationship; and
Calling to account (for obedience or non-obedience to the Authority or for compliance or non-compliance with its dictates), passing judgement, and pronouncing reward or punishment.

The word had not, however, attained the status of a formal term as such before the revelation of the Qur'an. The Arabs were not very clear in their minds as to the concepts involved nor were their ideas lofty in this context and that is the reason why the word had not found its way into the terminology of any systematic and recognised school of thought. It was in the Qur'an in which, obviously because the word was particularly suited to its purpose, that it was given very clear-cut and definite connotations, and it was this aspect which made the word one of the most important in the Qur'anic terminology. In that terminology, it stands for the entire way of life, of which the composite factors are:

Sovereignty and supreme authority;
Obedience and submission to such authority;
The system of thought and action established through the exercise of that authority; and
Retribution meted out by the authority, in consideration of loyalty and obedience to it, or rebellion and transgression against it.

And, as in other cases, the Qur'an employs the term, on different occasions, in one or more of the above four senses, but where the intention is to imply the whole way of life, it uses the definite article 'al' before the word, to make it read 'al-Deen' Examples of such different uses are as follows:

Taken from: http://www.witness-pioneer.org/vil/Books/M_four_term/t4_deen.htm

Drawing

2011-09-27T10:48:00.002-04:00

I don't know why I felt the need to draw out what I was thinking, but in any case, this must be done.

Yup, probably something that many folks would agree with already.

A سبحان الله kind of Life!

2011-09-26T19:44:00.001-04:00

I say سبحان الله for Allah is indeed the most Glorious!

I say الحمد لله because verily, all praise is due to GOD!

I say ما شاء الله for all things that come to be, for all is the will of GOD!

And finally, I say إن شاء الله as all things in my life and my future endeavors and all that will ever be is under the direct guidance and will of GOD.

In the Qur'an GOD says:

لا إكراه في الدين قد تبين الرشد من الغي فمن يكفر بالطاغوت ويؤمن بالله فقد استمسك بالعروة الوثقى لا انفصام لها والله سميع عليم

The English meaning of the Arabic can be translated as:

There is no compulsion in religion. Verily, the Right Path has become distinct from the wrong path. Whoever disbelieves in Taghut (Idols) and believes in Allah (The One and Unique GOD), then he has grasped the most trustworthy handhold that will never break. And Allah is All-Hearer, All-Knower.

Even in one ayat (sign) from GOD, we can find the most profound spiritual guidance which is also spectacularly in-tune with mankind's inherent logical reasoning. No one can force you to believe ANYTHING. You may be coerced to testify (falsely) for something which you did not do, did not believe, or have no knowledge about! Yet that does not change the facts: it is impossible to force belief inside of one's heart. Truth is clear from error - any basic scientific experiment will prove this, as will any basic observation of the Earth around us. That which is apparent is true, that which is obscure is open to interpretation.

Now, something quite radical, is the idea that GOD has always made each and every individual human capable of understanding the convenant which we have with GOD and on top of that, allows each one of us to understand according to our ability. I am not saying that every person is divinely guided, no, as a matter of fact the Glorious Quran says that those who choose to disbelieve can neither be helped nor harmed by people, and their hearts and minds are closed to anything we can do to try to "guide" them (Quran 2: 2-7). We as brothers and sisters can only remind each other of the Recitation and it's truth...

With all of this said, and I know it is pretty basic stuff, the simplicity of Islam is no thing to take for granted. If you have a religion which is destined to be the religion of All Creation, then it must be "simple". You can see this simplicity reproduced in nature itself; all basic organic elements are the structures which compose ALL of life. People say we are made from "cosmic dust" which is very true! The basic elements (refresh yourself on high school chemistry) of stars, their gases and particles, can be found in YOUR flesh and in MINE! Albeit in different proportions, but YES we are made of the same things! Thus, the components of life are simple and universally applicable, and so is the Glorious Quran in all of its majesty and simplicity. All of these things are "simple" but deceptively so. I say this because these basic building blocks of life can take on so many different roles, change and reinvent themselves time and time again without losing their basic composure. The fact that these elements persist in time, without changing their basic nature, is to me, direct evidence of GOD's power over all things, to protect and preserve indefinitely that which he chooses (law of conservation of mass for you science folks), and this is also the case with only ONE revelation ever which has been passed down to mankind: The RECITATION (Qur'an).

This is irrefutable evidence in the eyes of mankind! Do whatever search, research, forum, discussion, debate, whatever you want. Discredit anyone and anything that you want, but unlike conjecture, the TRUTH is always TRUTH, anything else is conjecture (opinion, guessing, etc). You don't need me to tell you it is the truth, read the Quran yourselves!

A reminder

2011-09-24T07:46:00.000-04:00

Surat Al-'An'am
6:108 - And do not insult those they invoke other than Allah , lest they insult Allah in enmity without knowledge. Thus We have made pleasing to every community their deeds. Then to their Lord is their return, and He will inform them about what they used to do.

6:109 - And they swear by Allah their strongest oaths that if a sign came to them, they would surely believe in it. Say, "The signs are only with Allah ." And what will make you perceive that even if a sign came, they would not believe.

6:110 - And We will turn away their hearts and their eyes just as they refused to believe in it the first time. And We will leave them in their transgression, wandering blindly.

6:111 - And even if We had sent down to them the angels and the dead spoke to them and We gathered together every thing in front of them, they would not believe unless Allah should will. But most of them are ignorant.

6:112 - And thus We have made for every prophet an enemy - devils from mankind and jinn, inspiring to one another decorative speech in delusion. But if your Lord had willed, they would not have done it, so leave them and that which they invent.

6:113 - And so the hearts of those who disbelieve in the Hereafter will incline toward it and that they will be satisfied with it and that they will commit that which they are committing.

6:114 - Say: "Then is it other than Allah I should seek as judge while it is He who has revealed to you the Book explained in detail?" And those to whom We [previously] gave the Scripture know that it is sent down from your Lord in truth, so never be among the doubters.

6:115 - And the word of your Lord has been fulfilled in truth and in justice. None can alter His words, and He is the Hearing, the Knowing.

6:116 - And if you obey most of those upon the earth, they will mislead you from the way of Allah. They follow not except assumption, and they are not but falsifying.

6:117 - Indeed, your Lord is most knowing of who strays from His way, and He is most knowing of the guided.

Then the surah continues into the prohibition of eating meat which has not been slaughtered in the name of Allah.

- INSHALLAH let us, the faithful slaves of GOD be amongst the guided! AMEEN.

Response to a response

2011-09-23T16:29:00.000-04:00

Background information here:

http://teddy3indc.blogspot.com/2011/08/do-you-not-hear-and-learn.html#comments

Testify: to affirm as fact or truth

1. How is testifying to the existence of Allah any different from testifying that we believe Mohamed is the messenger of Allah (if indeed that is a belief which Muslims hold true)?

a. I quote: “Second, Allah leaves no room (if taken literally) for anyone to say this thing (bearing witness to Muhammad being a prophet) without being a hypocrite, because Allah is the only one that can bear witness that Muhammad is in fact a Prophet - due to the fact that this statement is not verifiable with any means of scrutiny. “

Response: Could not one argue (for the sake of argument) that a human being bearing witness to anything which they have no power over is indeed hypocrisy? I cannot bear witness that heaven exists (Allah can) because I have neither seen it nor experienced it, but I believe it. I could not bear witness to “____” and the list goes on and on. For this reason, I conclude that bearing witness to anything in Islam as a Muslim is a blessing from Allah because he is our guarantor, and through our belief we testify to the oneness of Allah and that Mohamed is his servant and Messenger. Anyone who bears witness to that which is guaranteed by Allah (and not of their own power) and then later on goes against this testimony becomes a hypocrite due to abandoning a belief which they publicly proclaimed (or by straight-up lying when they testify), not because of bearing witness to a belief:

[Sura Munafiqun, 63:1] When the hypocrites come to you they say, "We bear witness that you are the messenger of GOD." GOD knows that you are His messenger, and GOD bears witness that the hypocrites are liars.

Allah said first: When the hypocrites come to you - that means the person being approached (the prophet) has foreknowledge that these people are hypocrites (for example, the pagans of mecca).

When I read this (over and over) I did not see anywhere that implies that people who testify "Mohamed is the messenger of Allah" are hypocrites by virtue of testifying to his prophethood.

What I did understand: I understood that Allah is reassuring the prophet that he does not need the testimony of anyone to justify his prophethood, Allah's testimony is sufficient for all things. It doesn't matter if you or I testify that he is or is not something, because Allah guarantees that Mohamed is indeed a prophet. That said, I do not see how us testifying to that which Allah guarantees is hypocritical... We testify to Allah's oneness, we testify to the existence of Jinn, of Heaven and Hell, all of which are things that we cannot actually testify to of our own power. We need the guidance of Allah to do such. Also, I do see that Allah knows who the hypocrites are and that hypocrites are liars...

Does this make sense? I didn't want to post it on the blog because that gets tedious.

At the same time, the shahada does not become more or less sufficient by testifying to Mohamed's messengerhood.

Revolution

2011-09-21T18:36:00.001-04:00

I thought I should learn more about my Puerto Rican heritage, so first lesson: Pedro Albizu Campos and the stymied Puerto Rican revolution for independence.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r672uJ7tiiY&feature=related

The future is now...

2011-09-21T15:20:00.004-04:00

That statement is completely true. The future is now, constantly, every second that passes is a step into the future. This is why I have taken the necessary steps to make life changing decisions in my life in order to prepare for the near and distant future. Although I really don't know what will happen, I am laying the foundation for success in whatever opportunities I seek.

Currently I am still focusing on a return to OB. It's been a goal of mine since high school, and I want to achieve it. I did the internship in 2009, and I learned a lot about myself, my motivation, and my weaknesses. I still feel confident that I have it in me to be a great instructor, and I have been focusing internally and externally on changing those weaknesses into strengths, one day at a time! I have incorporated regular exercise in order to get the physical aspect of the job in-tune with OB philosophy, and I have found a WFR training that I will attend as soon as I return to North Carolina. As far as I can see, there are 0 WFR courses in Puerto Rico. I am also testing out yoga in the morning, to improve my concentration, flexibility and other health related benefits offered by yoga. I would prefer going to a class but I can't really afford it at the moment and YouTube has really great follow along videos for beginners.

I still think back about my life progression from high school, through college, and post college thus far, and I swear I could have never predicted the path I took. I've learned many things, and I am really thankful to have rekindled the spiritual aspect within myself. I personally believe that there are many paths to God and even if one so chooses not to seek a spiritual path, morality and ethics are still important ideological pursuits that all of humanity can benefit from - a legacy which I believe is a natural part of our being, and what I personally believe is attributed to us from our Creator. I have also seen how a lot of "worship" is tainted by the desire to impress others with an image of piety or righteousness - this is something very dangerous. Not in a mortal way, but spiritually it is. When you do things for people, as soon as you remove people from the equation, the whole motivation for the act is gone, and you are liable to perform all kinds of bad actions in there absence. When you do something for God alone, you are always accountable. I need to remember this myself, as it is easy to forget. I'm really indebted and thankful for the chance to better myself for my Lord.

Life is too short to go about regretting things that I wanted to do and never did, so I am going to shoot for the moon and hope that I land among the stars. All of this is God-willing.

My aspirations at the moment are to apply and return to NCOBS, travel overseas for a period of about 6 weeks and to reach spiritual goals which will strengthen my faith, InshaAllah.

It's been a while...

2011-08-18T10:21:00.004-04:00

I started a new blog in February of 2011, because I embarked on a new adventure in my life, one that brought me to San Juan, PR for the next year. I am now 6 months into my internship (which is another story), half-way there! I can't wait to be finished... although I have no idea what is next after this. I am just thankful to have something to do and somewhere to be for now. I thought about leaving this blog idle, as my "college" blog, but I missed it too much, and it's relative anonymity, although anyone with the URL can read it - I think I'm not so interesting that many people will...

Continuing the struggle:

I have to say, life after college has been lack luster at best. But if there is one thing that this experience has afforded me, it is copious amounts of time to reflect and really think about my life. Before my mom departed San Juan, when she was here to help me settle down into my new apartment, she asked me to reflect. I know that maybe this request had it's own biases based on her point of view about a little thing called faith, but I respected her request and I have surely begun to reflect. Reflection is not the serene, mind-altering and invigorating process that it's made out to be. Sometimes reflection can lead to more confusion... Isolation allows the mind to wander to places it wouldn't if you were influenced by the subtle persuasions due to the presence of others. It's true, sometimes we only fear a thing because we fear what others might think... rarely do we fear a thing simply for the sake of Allah, or from ourselves.

I may have realized that some decisions in my life might have been hasty. I may have realized that a definition I once thought to be made of steel and set in stone might be founded on something much less sturdy... Never be afraid to ask questions, ask as many as necessary...

Ramadan 1432

Ramadan this month has been particularly tough. I encourage anyone to try spending a Ramadan entirely alone, with no mosque to attend for Taraweeh, and let me know how that goes, because that's what is happening right now. Being Muslim in a country where there are hardly any Muslims is not easy. It just means a lot of iftars spent at home, alone, with Hulu on in the background. I have also been getting cozy with my favorite series ever: Jean M. Auel's Earth Children's novels about Ayla the cro-magnon woman's life in pre-history. I am in LOVE with this series (6 books) and I just started book #5 this week.

I have read online the many tragedies associated with spilling the beans virtually, and I have been guilty of it at least twice in this blog. Now that I know this, I think some thoughts should be kept private... even if this is my own private blog. I suppose if people can see your private thoughts, that makes them public thoughts. However that logic works, seems like the sticks and stones ideology is no longer worth much in this digital age.

One month

2010-11-16T13:00:00.002-05:00

The closer and closer I get to the date of my graduation, the more anxiety builds up inside of me. I applied yesterday to 5 different internships through the SCA. I will be more than glad to get any of them, but two in particular I am praying that Allah will make it my destiny to get them.

Besides, if I don't get any of these internships, it's not the end of the world, but that probably means I will be moving to Ohio. I've never been around Ohio, just a short layover at a Cincinnati airport.

Talking about airports, I have been reading up on these new-fangled backscatter x-ray machines... which can see through clothing... this was the stuff of childhood fantasy dreams, but now, it's a reality. Although, not in as much vivid detail as we might have imagined. I would hate to be the person that has to look at naked bodies all day long... I bet Obama doesn't go through security when he flies around in his jet plane. I bet he just bypasses it. Probably celebrities too. But normal people like me, are subjected to the most impersonal, dehumanizing "security screenings" and we waive all our rights when we purchase an airline ticket. Besides, what can someone do with a ceramic knife?

I'm not looking forward to finals week... because my first exam is on a Saturday - I've never had to take an exam on a Saturday... and I have two papers due two days before that exam... :(

Outer Banks

2010-10-10T22:07:00.000-04:00

This is my favorite photo from my trip to the Outer Banks about 1 week ago... I'm so glad I got the chance to go.

The French are at it again...

2010-10-08T20:13:00.006-04:00

I just saw on CNN breaking news that France has officially banned the burqa, deeming it unconstitutional...

The burqa is traditional Muslim clothing in some countries, it is worn amongst a minority of practicing Muslim women. The purpose of the burqa in their eyes is that it serves as the most preventative measure a woman can take in order to dissuade the looks and cat calls of indecent men - it is strictly for modesty.

Its not uncommon for women to be completely nude on French beaches... that is one extreme. So then how can they deem the equally opposite extreme, unconstitutional? WHAT THE F*CK FRANCE!

I can understand revealing ones face for ID photos or at airports and other security measures, and even in school... but giving the government the right to fine people who wear the Burqa is just plain ridiculous.

Here is a link to the story on CNN:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/europe/10/07/france.burqa.ban/index.html?hpt=T2

Refresh my blog

2010-10-08T18:31:00.002-04:00

Today I discovered a new and exciting blog called hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com

This woman is A-mazing! I totally connect with her style of humor and it is effortless for me to read what she writes and comprehend her train of thought at the same time. Absolutely fabulous... I also came across a piece of advice located on her blog that I think I could benefit from:

Avoid Long Paragraphs!

Yup, I am guilty of this. I know... I know....

I try to limit them, but sometimes I can't find a good breaking point - I also don't put in 8-10 hours per blog post of editing and fine tuning - like she does. Yet her blog has inspired me to do just that - instead of just pouring out my emotions, thoughts, and feelings into my blog when I so desire, I may consider trying to spice them up a bit. There are some plog posts of mine that are really good - by this I mean, that any person coming across my blog could read and relate. Then, there are those vague, uninteresting, only I know what the *#@$ I'm talking about posts... and those are not so interesting...

Personality quiz

2010-09-27T23:00:00.002-04:00

I googled: How to get to know oneself, and this was the first hit I got: http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

So I took the quiz and here are my results:

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

----------------

Yea, it's probably a load of mumbo-jumbo, but I felt like a lot of what is said here can be true about me... :-)

Count down

2010-09-25T20:22:00.003-04:00

I think it would be fair to say that in my mind, I have begun my count down. I'm counting down my last days in college, where in general I've lived a life preplanned for me, and now I'll be starting a new routine where the reigns are in my hands and I must find my own way on my own path. I'm kind of hoping, inshAllah, that Allah is going to have my path cross with my future partner...

I was thinking about the many reasons why I joined Baba Ali's new site, and whether or not this whole online scene is really the best way for me to look for someone. I have my doubts, but I also truly believe that there are others like me, honestly looking for a partner. It's hard being a new Muslim, with no family helping you to search, and even if your family wanted to help, they probably don't know many Muslims anyway... Plus they think that not dating is weird... I've never dated before, and never felt I had to. I simply have been keeping my eyes out for someone who I feel would be the right person for me, but haven't found him yet. What's a girl got to do? So, I thought this website might be useful... seems like the user-base isn't diverse enough yet. So many people limit themselves to cultural or language preferences - which is FINE, it just means that I don't suit most of the Pakistani/Arab/Indian people that join the site. There are like no hispanics, but I'm not limiting myself to ethnicity. I just want to find a guy who loves me for me, and wants to live his life righteously, and according to Allah's guidance...

I actually had better luck setting up a friend with a guy! I found him on HOD, and I told her about him, because I had a feeling they'd be a good match. SubhanAllah, it seems like so, but they have to take the time to navigate the tricky waters of effective communication - because communication and trust are two very fundamental pillars in any relationship. InshAllah khayr, I really hope they hit it off. I would be so happy, ecstatic!!

Another reason why I joined is because I can't get this topic off my mind... maybe my biological clock is ticking... tick tock tick tock =D LOL

Yet I have a hard time imagining a guy who would be ok with the kind of job I'd like to do in this upcoming year. It requires me to be away for weeks at a time. I plan on being an Outward Bound instructor. I love Outward Bound, especially the North Carolina faction. Its four pillars are: Compassion, Physical Fitness, Craftsmanship, Self-Reliance. I feel that these are a fundamental part of what I believe in, character wise, even though I still struggle with the physical fitness part. I'm not in top shape, but alhamdulillah, I've always been able to keep up and do the activities that I love to do - I just know I could be in better shape, and not just keep up, but exceed expectations! Anyway, since what we do is outdoors and expedition style, it requires that we are in the woods from anywhere between 4 days to 28 days. WOW, I know it sounds crazy right... but I love it!

I just can't imagine any guy being ok with it, unless he knows and loves OB like I do... So, I think to myself, should I hold off until I get the chance to work a few years with Outward Bound, then look for my marriage partner? IDK, it's all in Allah's hands, but I surely do have conflicting feelings!

A few guys have shown interest in my profile, but one is in Bangladesh (I'm not willing to move to another country), and another said on his profile he's only interested in someone of Pakistani descent and speaks Urdu (which I am neither of those). LOL Oh, there's one more from Egypt but lives in Australia, this guy seems different... but I don't know why he'd be interested in someone so far away... Plus the cultural differences would be an added obstacle to navigate, since he grew up in a different country his whole life. For example, if there's a FOB (I say that term with endearment, I love FOB's) who has lived in the US for a while, I wouldn't be averse to that, but a foreign guy who's never experienced American culture might have a surprise in store for him when he meets an American girl! Hehehe. I'm really a very independent person, but that doesn't mean I want to live my life alone or on my own, it just means I can stand up for myself and I'm responsible. I trust in the end that Allah has him waiting for me, I just need to have patience (sabr), until that time arrives.

I am debating if I should keep the HOD account, or just toss it after the first month... I have yet to decide.

MARRIAGE

2010-09-18T20:56:00.002-04:00

AHHHHHHHHHHH

Marriage is half our religion, for muslims. Join this site. Look for your spouse.

www.halfourdeen.com

There are not enough profiles!! Most people are much older than I, or not in the USA! PFFFFFFT!!! this is frustrating.

Please join if interested :-) Let's build the user base!!

My Last Semester at UNC

2010-09-03T22:47:00.002-04:00

Asalamu Alaikum, Peace be with you all,

I really dislike not posting often. As you can see, I missed the entire month of August, and a lot was going on... This maybe why I wasn't able to post.

The beginning of the month was the end of my trip in Mexico. Then I went to Houston for a week, and then I found myself back in North Carolina for two days. After which I went to Virginia and New Jersey to visit family. I believe I packed so much into the last 6 weeks of my summer vacation, that I actually did more harm to my body then good. I was running around so busy, without any time set aside to prepare for classes starting in late August. Ramadan came early in the month as well, so I was travelling and fasting - the two are not the best combination. I tried to fast while travelling, but that left me limp and listless by the end of the day, so I decided I might as well not do that... Alhamdulillah, only Allah has the wisdom to make our deen so easy on us and it is people who make it hard on themselves... :-)

So then I literally came back to NC the day before classes started. And the cherry on top was that I still had to wait 10 more days, before I could move into my new apartment. I stood with friends, mashAllah wonderful friends, and great company. Even though I was in the living room, I felt like I had my own space, and I really enjoy their company. I wouldn't have minded putting up a little curtain around my section of the living room and calling it home for the semester... All I would need is a key to their place and I'd be set :D. As silly as that sounds, its just a reflection on how they make me feel, my good friends and sisters in Islam.

Alhamdulillah always, for now I am in my new apartment in Carrboro and it's splendid. I am at a really great location, great roommate and a great semester ahead of me.

Despite all this good around me, I feel really down. I can't pinpoint what it is. It might be the tiredness that comes along with the end of Ramadan. It might be the fact that I am really behind on my school work thanks to all the moving around and not being prepared, and it might be due to all of these pressures in combination, and that I'm going to be done, for good, with college soon... :(

It's been an amazing adventure. Truly amazing, but I am ready to stop being broke! Stop stressing about non-essential things, and to finally get the chance to travel, inshAllah.

Searching for treats...

2010-07-30T00:52:00.003-04:00

Today we intended to go into "El Centro" to find souvenirs and also to buy some necessities for the house, and I came back with a few special gifts.

First of all, it's kind of hard to find good gifts for my friends bc most things here are really cheap or not souvenir like at all... and then of course the prices are kind of bogus. While we were walking along the street, I saw a guy on the corner selling baby chickens!! They were colored pink, blue, green, yellow, orange, purple, etc... and it broke my heart to see chickens sold like cheap toys... So I bought one.

I figured I could give it a better happier home, and if it dies, there's nothing much more I could've done for it... But I learned a lot about chickens in the last few hours. First of all, they are definitely not solitary animals... the poor chicken wouldn't sleep unless I had it in my hands! so I held it for a while to help it feel sleepy, then I put it in the cage and turned out all the lights... It's quiet now, but I know it isn't happy without another chick to keep it warm and give it company/sense of security. I bought him for about $1.50 USD, so I think tomorrow I will get another one to keep him company. I have yet to name the chicken. Oh, this one is hot pink!

Also today I saw the cutest little cat in a store... I had to pick it up! I got a couple photos of it and it had pretty green and blue eyes... It's a shame people here don't value animals at all unless they are for profit.

We went to Wal-mart and even though in American currency things are cheap... in mexican currency your pesos go quickly... so, now I understand why my mom doesn't get much dinero out of the money we send to her.

Mexican Interior

2010-07-28T21:30:00.002-04:00

My friend Catalina invited me to join travelpod, so that'll be the place I update my travel specific entries, but I will also post them here as well. There is a new may called "My travels" which will update you and link you to my other travel blog.

--

Hola desde Cd Victoria, Tamaulipas, Mexico!

I arrived on the 24th of July in the evening, after having stayed up all night because I had a 6:05 am flight from Raleigh to Houston and then to Brownsville... followed by a 5 hour bus ride from the border to Cd Victoria. I was exhausted by the end of the day, but the residual feeling I have left from this trip is that it was far from what I expected. Far far away.

Arriving in Brownsville and getting from the Airport to the border was easier then I thought. A taxi driver named Melquiades took me from the airport to the border for 18 bucks... Not bad, I thought it'd be 35, like my mom told me. It was very hot and muggy outside, and I had to cross the border by myself with all my luggage. The line into Mexico is always non-existent, while the line into the US is almost always packed. I can't believe how many people at all times are crossing into the US soil. After greeting my mom, we caught a local bus, and this was my first experience on Mexican transit. There was a guy who got on board with a giant machete, and no one even gave him a second look! This bus took us to the tour bus station, where large greyhound like buses take you to just about any destination in Mexico, all for a fair price. The bus was comfortable, and the funniest thing about it was that they often would stop at these large blue bus stop signs and allow vendors to come on the bus for 5 min or so to sell pastries, refreshments, etc. You don't find that in the US.

There wasn't much to see in between Matamoros and Cd Victoria: miles and miles of open and very flat land, with small towns in between. Most of the land was flooded from the recent tropical storms and small hurrican that has devastated the northern central part of the country. I saw miles and miles of destroyed crops and couldn't help but think what are these people going to do now for sustanence.

The small towns we passed through were uneventful. They all look the same to me, nameless streets (no signs), homes and roads all in disrepair, countless mini-supers and carnitas shops... and way to many bored looking men and women roaming the streets. Every time I leave the comfort of my mom's apartment and we venture out into the city, I am reminded of how blessed I am to live in a country where there is simply more opportunity and a more responsible and accountable government (in comparison to here). I'm not saying the USA is perfect, by no means... but at least we have navigable roads, and free education that one can take advantage of. The right to go to college and pursue whatever career as long as we set our minds to it, but one also has to make sure that they won't let themselves be discriminated against or taken advantage of. There is corruption in every government, but we surely are privileged in the US, with an over abundance of resources that provide us with a care-free lifestyle. Here things are very different. You are lucky to have an ac unit that actually keeps the house cool. If you have a nice car, then you either work for the government or you're spending your life savings on it. There's no street drainage here, so when it rains, streets flood. Every local street has a pothole the size of a small bathtub or sometimes the size of a car. No one here cares about their pets like in the US, so most cats and dogs roam the streets like vagabonds. Everything is old, and crumbling apart. All the houses have barred windows and doors. And everyone here is looking to make a buck, selling anything that can possibly be sold, right at your doorstep.

This land here is just like texas, its big sky country. But you feel choked and cramped here because of the living conditions, and you can't see down the street because it is clogged with houses plopped right on top of one another, old junker cars fill the streets and the organic uneveness of it all just goes against the grain of everything I am used to in America. Although, this is no slum - and I am glad that this is my first experience in a poor country, because I think I would have been shocked had my first experience out of US been in someplace like Dharavi in Mumbai.

Oh and the police are no where to be found except at points along major highways, and sometimes in the pueblitos in the "centro" or downtown market areas.

On Sunday I met Johnny's family - they are cool but they talk a lot/complain a lot. And not about anything important, so I think that's why it bothers me. But they are nice enough.

On Monday we went to "El Centro", to shop, but it wasn't a happy experience. After I changed some of my money, and shopped a little for souvenirs, nature began to call. I had to use the bathroom urgently, but I learned that there are no clean bathrooms downtown, and if there are, you're lucky to find a scap of toilet paper. There was a bathroom that you could pay to use, but it looked dirty like the rest, so we decided to try the supermarket. Their bathroom was back in the storage area, in a place where it looked like customers shouldn't go if they want them to continue being their customers... When we arrived at the top of the steps to the bathroom, two employees warned us: "No hay agua" so that mean't we can't flush. The toilets were missing tops and seats, there was feces in the water and no paper, and it reaked of excrement since I am sure no one has cleaned it in weeks. Needless to say, I had to leave and go home, cutting out excursion short.

On tuesday we went to the Zoo. It was actually pretty nice, although it provided small environments for the animals. It was a lot better than the bear zoo in Cherokee, NC. Keeping bears in all concrete pens the size of storage units should be criminalized... at least here the animals had fake natural environments.

Today (Wednesday) we travelled by car through Sierra Madre Oriental (the mountain range on the eastern sea board of Mx). I showed my mom on the map that we can take the highway across the mountains, and possibly reach the desert plateau of central mexico. The mountains here are very beautiful and covered in a chapparal like vegetation. It has been raining nonstop these past few weeks, so everything was a vibrant green - unlike the dusty desert like images google maps has on this area from about a year ago. The mountains are about 3000m high, so we were near the clouds for some part of the route. On the other side, you can see the mesas of the desert appear, and lots of Hollywood style cactus and other plants I've never seen before. Although we didn't make it to the real desert, we were in the beginning of the desert plain, for sure. We went to a small town called Juamave, and it looked like every other place on the side of the road. Driving through the ferro carril 126 MX I saw the techos of the very poor. They had cement houses with some type of plant covering for a roof... I'm not sure what they are made of. They are small one room houses, simple rectangular structures. Often accompanied by the malnourished dog and personal gardens in the back. We stopped at a small restaurant to eat, and I saw a cute caramel brown puppy sitting underneath a table. I couldn't help but to go pet him, and it seems like people often shoe him away instead of play with him, because he didn't willingly approach me at first. When he saw that I was not going to hurt him, he came and started to bite at the floor and at my hands, because he assumed that I would have food for him... Poor dog, all he knows about people is that they either are going to hurt him or throw food at him! :-( So I started to pet his belly and scratch behind his ears, and he really enjoyed that, so much so that he started to follow me around - but then the Senora who owned the restaurant chased him out of the room with a broom :-(.

He came back later and I threw a scrap of food to him, but I think that upset the Senora. On our way out, my mom threw him a cookie, and it was so cute to watch him eat so happily. It was a nice send off, as we headed back to Cd Victoria.

Adventures to come

2010-07-15T09:10:00.002-04:00

I am hopping with excitement!!

I am about to head out on my three week trip outside of North Carolina to destinations extraordinaire! I am always happy to see parts of the world I have not seen yet. Also this weekend inshAllah, I will take a short camping trip with a friend of mine. It's going to be a lot of fun, and I need to get the final details set on our trip... SO MUCH EXCITEMENT

Life is good, praise be to Allah the most high, the most powerful.

MJJ Gone 1 yr today.

2010-06-25T11:10:00.003-04:00

Sigh...

One year solid.

Thanks Mjjpictures.com for the photo.

Bad Era was one of his best times, and I like to remember him in this way.

Going international

2010-06-08T23:24:00.003-04:00

I'm going International in July :D inshAllah. I just bought the tickets!!!

Destination: Mexico

Time: 10 days.

Significance: First international trip ever, and it's nice to start off small and in a place where I can speak the language :)

After that, 7 days will be spent in Houston visiting a very special friend who is near and dear to my heart.

I'm just so grateful I will be able to have a trip experience this summer... and finally not in the US alone!

I really really really really really wanted to go to Egypt but because of priorities/funds it wasn't feasible this summer. One day, I will get the chance to be a tourist in the land of Kings, God willing. So this is plan B in action...

Summer summer summer tiiiime

2010-06-08T08:28:00.009-04:00

I really dislike not taking the initiative to update my blog more regularly. Meaningful memories in my life flutter out of my reach too quickly and thus I want to capture them before they become forgotten.

Some memories:

I haven't watched a movie in a long time, but the week before I moved out of my apartment I found myself going to the redbox and renting three or four movies. One for every night of prolonged procrastination as I tried to avoid the reality that I am once again on the move. I saw Avatar, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, This Is It, and Precious. I enjoyed them all, especially Avatar and This Is It. I was captivated by the stunning beauty and imaginative landscapes created in Avatar. This Is It was for the fans, and I am definitely a die hard MJ fan... *sigh*

Precious hit home a bit hard, because I know tragic life stories like that are written for some, but don't ask me why... The Imaginarium blah blah blah was alright... the name's too long.

So after unsuccessfully procrastinating those four days, I decided to up the ante by taking a trip to Charlotte :O... It took me 5hr to get to Charlotte because of traffic/construction :(.

My only defense is that it was actually for a good reason; my friend Cat just got back from a year abroad in Espana!! I hadn't seen her in about that much time (except for occasional skype conversations) but even those occurred back in the fall! How time flies when you are having fun. It also flies when you are apart from the ones you love, and it's so easy to lose touch.

On my way back home from Charlotte, I was graced with a lightning show of epic proportions, but little did I know that this would precede a down pouring that had me thinking Noah was back for a second go. I literally could not see the highway in front of me; it was raining that heavily. But alhamdulillah I made it home in one piece, although soaked by the time it took me to walk from the parking lot to my door :D.

Ahh, and then finally I had to garnish this dish with a fancy cherry on top: The day before having to move out I went to the beach with a couple of friends. Wow, let me tell you, I'm pathetic. Atlantic beach was really fun, I don't think I've ever walked for so long on a beach before... I have a really awesome hijab tan on my FACE. It looks weird.

Sunday night/all day Monday was spent in a frantic effort to pack, clean and get out before 6pm. Little did I know that the office was closed that Monday (memorial holiday), and I made myself and my friend Mojo rush unnecessarily in the last couple of hours before 6... That monday was a special day for me. It marked the end of a successful 9mo on my own, a successful school year, and the beginning of summer and adventures for myself and apparently all of my friends :D. ~ALHAMDULILLAH ALWAYS!!~ For real, how can I ever complain and feel self righteous? Those two things don't go together.

Plans my friends have that I envy (in a good way): Friends in Turkey, Palestine, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Portugal, Nigeria, and a couple of friends who are literally country hopping around the world: starting in Europe to the Middle East, South Asia and finally stopping somewhere short of Japan...

I wanted to go to Egypt (since I know like 3 people going now), but I don't think it is feasible this summer for two reasons. 1) My mom would rather I go see her (which I want too), and 2) it ain't cheap.

Any who, I forgot to mention why I was so not happy about moving out - I didn't really have a plan as to what to do next. I would not have been able to go to a new apartment, scholarship money had already run out by then. So I was waiting on my prayers to be answered, and Allah never fails. So now I am staying with a friend and her family. It's great so far, and I am trying to keep it that way.

Finally, this summer is iA, going to be one of relaxation, contemplation and some exhilaration. EEEK!

Already got started with the beach trip, and a hike to Occoneeche State Natural Area in Hillsborough, NC. Who would have thought that some decent hiking would be so close to Chapel Hill? This weekend we are picnic-ing and boating at Lake Johnson in Raleigh.

I am at work now, pretty slow day so that's why I have so much time to type...

I recently discovered this new yogurt place called Orange Leaf. I know the idea is not unique, and in fact it's probably a chain of stores in different cities with different names and the same cookie cutter ideals applied which make them all successful (that's how chain's survive), their frozen yogurt is delicious! I think I've gone 5 times in the past four weeks... albeit always at the beckoning of my friends who love it too. It used to be a five minute drive, but now it's a 15 minute drive :'( .

Something else that is a goal of mine is using my time to get back into shape. I want to do be in even better shape then when I played rugby. I had lost 2olbs! On top of the 30 that I lost in High School. I want to keep the good work up, but laziness this past school year on top of many other things stifled my efforts. But now I am back with a vengeance. Fatima Aunty invited me to join this awesome calorie/exercise counting website called www.myfitnesspal.com and I really like the idea of tracking my progress. I hope this helps, inshAllah.

Until next time~

ciao!

Faux graduation

2010-05-07T15:45:00.004-04:00

Yesterday a friend of ours from the MSA took a photo shoot of some of the graduating seniors. I was one of them, but the only catch is I have an extra semester. It was exciting, and he did a great job, but the overwhelming feeling I left with was surreal. I have spent the past four years struggling, toiling, and endeavoring in ways I never thought would ever occur. I have also spent the past four years adventuring, laughing, and sharing wonderful moments and memories with so many different people that I don't care to try and count how many. It has been a growing experience for me, and one that constantly leaves me questioning myself, my actions, and my beliefs. It has created a critical thinker, an avid mind, and a person who is more independent and responsible than ever before. I just hope to continue on this journey, inshAllah (God-willing). I am still not sure what will come next in my life after this last semester, this last struggle, but it will start with a resume and a destination: DC.

Holistic approach to Islam

2010-04-18T20:55:00.002-04:00

Asalaamu alaikum,

today at a meeting for the future of building a Masjid in Chapel Hill, I heard some refreshing new ideas on what kind of community we want to foster in the Chapel Hill-Carrboro area.

When some people try to explain the religion of Islam, they often describe it as being composed of three main focal points: One's Islam, Ihsan, and Iman.

The fellow leading the group pointed out how Muslims in America have been focusing primarily on the technicalities of Islam, and not so much on Ihsan or Iman. I would strongly agree with that, as I have seen in my own experience Mosque's that cater primarily to certain maddhabs, or are very exclusive in the group of people that attend the mosque. Now there is nothing wrong with that in essence, but if they are not welcoming to the diversity of other muslims or possible muslims in the area, that is when it becomes a problem.

It was quite an enlightening experience as I learned of many new things I never knew, such as a ruling (Hanafi school) that says it is ok for men and women to pray side by side as long as there is sufficient space between the two. What a difference that would make! I might actually get to see the imam and possibly hear him during the khutbah...

this was just a rant on my behalf, but as I learn more I hope to update with my new found knowledge.

Alhamdulillah for knowledge.

Zombieeeeeeeeeeeees

2010-03-03T03:24:00.001-05:00

I feel like one.

Is there any legitimate reason why I would be up at 3:30 in the morning...

Procrastination!

Yea, that's it.

Weekend conference

2010-02-21T15:14:00.001-05:00

This weekend, I had the sweet opportunity to gather together amongst my fellow community of brothers and sisters to try and learn about "The Prophetic Model".

Often times, when you bring in a motivational speaker it will be hit or miss. I truly commend the people who brought together this landmark conference, and I pray iA that it will continue yearly.

I essentially learned a basic understanding about the prophetic model, and what it is composed of - Morals, truth, and upholding the common good, all through leadership. They emphasized that we have been taught to think that we are not leaders, even though you would think to the contrary. Is it true that we are all leaders on some level? I think so. No one here is attempting to water down the importance or definition of a leader - but a leader in essence is one who sets the example. So, you are indeed a leader in many aspects of life. You are one with your siblings, amongst you friends, coworkers, family members, etc. It is all through action, and the observance of that action. What I know to be even more important is that we as Muslims have the spot light on us now, and we aught to step up to the plate.

Now, everything you've just heard is all good and dandy - but how do we really stick to all the things we heard and perpetuate this new found energy and spiritual high that these types of events tend to spark?...

One thing that really gets my mind turning is - does the fault in transmission lie within us, the listeners or within them, the motivational speakers? Now, you hear time and time again that one person can change the world - but they never do it alone. They always recruit people here and there, and I heard last night that the motivational speakers' main goal is to light that spark in that one person, however it may manifest itself.
Yet still, the change, the real change in our ummah, has yet to become widespread. I might just be a part of the first real wave of the Muslim movement in this country a movement where people of this generation are looking to return society to some level that resembles the values that this country used to hold up high, the same values that Muslims of the first generations after our beloved Prophet (pbuh) held up high: Moral excellence, the truth, and upholding the common good.

Is it not true that America has turned into what it initially fought against, that being an Imperialist nation? We are now the most powerful imperialist nation on earth, but the people up high in Washington don't want you to know that... the folks gaining financially from this in the media tell us on TV that we deserve this wealth, that we have a right to this wealth...

Whoa, major tangent, sorry about that. So back to the main issue at hand: How can we perpetuate this change?

I think it should be by starting small, by really just focusing on an individual issue. You come to these conferences and they bombard you with so many ideas and so many examples, but sometimes these examples may have in them metaphorical parallels to today's world but lack in truly transcendent meaning and application.

I want to change an aspect of myself that relates to my integrity. I want to change the way that I interact with the people around me. I don't want to be just a critic nor do I want to be a hypocrite. Often I will see Muslim men and women interact with other men and women (doesn't matter specifically which gender) Muslim and non-Muslim alike, in sometimes radically different ways (other time marginally). What is different? The fact that their own integrity is comprimised because they compromise their deen at times to "fit in". I admit that I see this, and I denounce it but at the same time I live it as well. I admit, but the difference here is that I no longer just want to accept it and justify it. I want to change it, to a level or a point where yes, I may interact differently amongst the two as a reflection of approaching people at different angles based on their background, but I should not resolve my deen to make some other person, or my own nafs, happy.

I sound my resolution here today, and I will keep tabs on my progress. I solemnly promise now, to really tackle this issue, and to be successful, in shaa Allah.

Telemarketers!

2010-02-18T23:49:00.003-05:00

How did they get my cell phone number?!?!!?!?! Someone might have sold my personal information for profit... They call and they are so persistent and the unenthusiastic stupor that they seem to be in when they make calls seems to me like they dread doing this horrible job. I hope they can find something better than to try and get me to buy something I didn't want in the first place. I called T-mobile and they told me it would be 15 dollars to change my number, but it doesn't seem fair... anyway, I will wait and see if this National do not Call list actually works, and I will give it one month.

I'm sick

2010-02-04T23:50:00.004-05:00

and I am tired.

I remembered today that it has been over 1 year now that I have been living my life as a Muslim. Alhamdulillah always. What a journey...

I often find it so easy to lose sight of what is good in life, and what is good for oneself. I have to constantly be on top of myself to not forget all that I have been blessed with in this life, and the promise Allah has given to every human being in the hereafter. The hard part is to keep that end goal at the forefront of your priorities so that it becomes something you embody, and not just an afterthought. How can I do that better... hmm this is a question for another post.

I became a bit sick the other day, I think there is a bug going around because everyone I know either got a little bit sick, or extremely ill and they are not able to go to school.

but, Alhamdulillah always, for after hardship comes ease.

I kind of liked getting sick though, it reminds me of how easily even our own bodies can break down and our power to govern them slips away from us in an instant... I am sure these are ideas that we all flirt with from time to time in our minds, and yet we have no power over anything that happens to us, not in the next 5 min, not in the next 5 years, not ever. We do have free will, but from the time I have spent pondering the concept of free will, I have reached a satisfying conclusion for myself being that our sense unilateral power over our self stems from our own innate ignorance. That being, we are ignorant of the future, we become forgetful of our pasts and we often repeat the same decisions whether they were good ones or bad ones, so in the end we just weren't designed to be the "masters of our destiny" - well not in an efficient way. We are inherently created to be dependent but our ignorance of reality and our egocentricity allows us to think that indeed, "one is the master of their own destiny"... well, if you are still of the latter opinion, I would like for you to prove it amongst all the signs God has placed within and amongst us.

No contest :)

Afterthoughts,

This rant is a bit off topic, but somewhere in my mind it made logical sense to transition to this:

I still find it far easier to complain quietly then to be grateful outwardly, and to be a harder critic towards myself than what would have been deemed fair by another. I find this to be true, because if I am feeling down about my own actions, or find myself complaining about how something could be better and how it's not my fault that I find myself in a certain circumstance, I lose sight of all the good that I have in the present and what I had in the past. I thus reflect (whether it be alone or with the help of a close friend) and I then recollect the generous and amazing blessings that I have had, all that was in the past and all that I can look towards in the future, iA.

Another thing that has been on my mind lately...

When I accepted Islam, I knew immediate hardships would be there for me to handle, but I really didn't think all to much about handling any long term difficulties or lifestyle changes, some of which I now find myself feeling a bit overwhelmed by.

A big change for myself would have to be the kinds of people I congregate with - it's a completely different crowd in one sense, but I haven't just left to the wayward side my friends from before I accepted Islam. I want to keep ties with them, but just the good ones, the only thing is I find it extremely difficult to do so.

On the other hand, trying to make close friends with my new muslimahs has been a bit tricky. I find myself amongst a sea of new people, new relationships, and being new they are easy to establish but hard to cement. Meaning, close friends who you call when you are elated or depressed, who are always interested in your life and you can pick up where you left off with them even if you have spent a significant amount of time apart from them. Who prioritize your friendship, and don't find it easy to forget to reach out to you. This has been hard to develop with new people, people who already have their best friends and their social circles and their lives on the ball, people who are in their comfort zones and won't ever understand what I am saying until they are in my shoes in a new place/environment and have to start from scratch without all the reassurances of home - in all its entirety.

but Alhamdulillah. You know, it's only been one year, and I simply ask Allah to help me concentrate on what is important for myself and my deen, and to let the pieces fall into place naturally.

but HEY, my problems are at the bottom of the heap! I always try to remind myself that there is someone else out there who has way more struggles and hardships and that mine compared to theirs is like a mosquito bite compared to a bullet wound.

Take a look at this guy's story... wow!

Marriage season

2009-12-29T12:46:00.009-05:00

The marriage bug is really getting underneath the skin of many of my friends, and more and more often other girls who are still single are talking about this subject. Seeing how quickly one can transition from bachelorette-hood to the Mrs. domain truly makes my head spin, but alhamdulillah for the ones who have found their knight in shining armor :D. I am so grateful that they have found that shoulder to lean on, their true best friend forever (haha cheesy, I know), the one person who will know how bad their morning breath is. They have made an investment in the character and promise of another to be the father of their children, their protector and provider, and above all the one who should be striving to help them stay on the seeratal mustaqeem (On the straight path) to Jannah, and pleasing Allah (swt) with their every action (inshAllah).

I guess then I am amongst those who can't help but have that subject on their mind, I think its near impossible not to think about it unless you can regress to a former time where our simple one-mindedness allowed us to excel by astounding measures in an area or subject (remember back to your High school days of being the star quaterback, or chess master). Maybe at that time no subject, wordly endeavor, or task was more interesting then that one thing...

Where did this lovely single-mindedness go? COME BACK!

I need you now more then ever, because I feel that the process of transitioning slowly into true adult hood means mastering the techniques of multitasking and prioritizing. I have to say though, for my friends who are married, even though I still hear the unmistakable imprint of youth and innocence in their voices, they must on some levels have reached a point of maturity and understanding that has allowed them to successfully unite with their significant other, with the help of loving family and friends - and this union of two whole worlds coming together is the fruit of their righteous intentions. May Allah bless them in their marriages, iA.

A favorite poem of mine

2009-11-24T10:03:00.000-05:00

This poem is one of my all time favorites because of its rythm and idealism.

Romance del enamorado y la muerte

Yo me estaba reposando
anoche como solía,
soñaba con mis amores,
que en mis brazos se dormían.
Vi entrar señora tan blanca
muy más que la nieve fría.

- ¿Por dónde has entrado, amor?
¿Cómo has entrado, mi vida?
Las puertas están cerradas,
ventanas y celosías.

- No soy el amor, amante:
La muerte que Dios te envía.
- ¡Hay muerte tan rigurosa,
déjame vivir un día!

- Un día no puedo darte,
- una hora tienes de vida.
Muy deprisa se levanta,
más deprisa se vestía.

Ya se va para la calle,
en donde su amor vivía.
- ¡Ábreme la puerta, blanca,
ábreme la puerta niña!

- ¿La puerta cómo he de abrirte
si la ocasión no es venida?
Mi padre no fue a palacio,
mi madre no está dormida.

- Si no me abres esta noche,
ya nunca más me abrirías;
la muerte me anda buscando,
junto a ti vida sería.

- Vete bajo la ventana
donde bordaba y cosía,
te echaré cordel de seda
para que subas arriba,
si la seda no alcanzare,
mis trenzas añadiría.

Ya trepa por el cordel,
ya toca la barandilla,
la fina seda se rompe,
él como plomo caía.

La Muerte le está esperando
abajo en la tierra fría:
Vamos, el enamorado,
la hora ya está cumplida.

Shirt design

2009-11-20T13:55:00.003-05:00

UNC MSA Shirt design. The following would be on the front:

Back

Is it too unoriginal? Of course I like the idea, I think it is fun and will catch ppl's attention, maybe even bring more people to MSA...

In retrospect

2009-11-12T23:52:00.009-05:00

I have taken some time out of my schedule to travel through time and space.

You may ask yourself, how can she do this?

Well, that is the benefit of a blog, I am able to travel to the past, and read my thoughts/reflections from years ago, whenever I want. I have started from the very beginning, back in 2007, or the second semester of my freshman year.

I was first introduced to blogging by force. My English 102 professor had us keep a blog (I originally chose livejournal, but hated the interface) for our English class. I fell in love with the idea of being able to electronically capture my self, because I never keep up with paper journals (although I love to collect them). So then I chose blogger, because I had a google account and I am in love with all things google (check out the new google wave!).

From there, it's history.

I find myself at a crossroads once again. The last time I was in this position, it was trying to get into the college that I had been dreaming of attending for more than 8 years... but they turned me down :(

UNC was a delectable choice though! It was my 3rd, and I accepted of course. I wanted to stay in NC, but my top choice would have put me out of state - and only that school would I have left everything behind for.

My first two years of college, I lived it just like any other college student - except I was so naive I guess I was a bit behind on all of the debauchery techniques that so many people have told me they already conquered during high school.

I was so innocent compared to them! I never had any intoxicating beverages, never went to parties, never tried to do anything risky (except outdoor adventures for Venture crew) and I usually stayed at home if I wasn't on some trip in the outdoors.

Then I came to college.

The first thing I did was join the women's rugby team - it meant automatic "friends" or at the least company, and the camaraderie of the team, at least for my first semester, helped me cope with college life and being away from home. This transition into situations and events that were "hip and cool" is what got the ball rolling for me in many ways. Often times you will find yourself doing things you would not normally do if you are surrounded by people who are accustomed to doing such things.

I soon got very tired of the partying lifestyle, and it became a redundant thing that they did almost every weekend - some people multiple days of the week! I stayed on the rugby team consistently for three semesters, and then on and of the 4th one...

But by that time I had also made other friends, who also had the same idea about having fun - except we would continuously go to different and new places in the search for the same thing. So that got old too. By the end of my sophomore year, I didn't feel like myself, and I had been contemplating so much about my purpose in life and what it means to be responsible for ones actions.

I don't regret any part of my past. It has made me the person I am today. The times were changing in my life, and I was over the trivial endeavors of college debauchery. So I began to branch away from my friends a bit, and try to walk to the beat of my own drum.

I started talking to new people, from different backgrounds and different ideas about what "fun" was in a college setting. I started going to my university's MSA meetings, and I met some amazing, amazing people. People who I finally saw that were like myself back in high school, people who were a reflection to me of what a different path I was really on at the moment, and how I needed to reconsider my priorities in life. They were just like mirrors, and it was my own contemplation and desire to reform myself that allowed me to read them in that way. Not that I was an awful person, but more like - I knew there was a greater purpose in life that also included the sense of accountability. I can't put into words what it felt like to think that your life started out as random and will end up in a random manner - the kind of theory that nonbelievers use to argue against the existence of God Almighty. Yet, the beautiful thing about religion in itself is that it attributes to everyone a special purpose, a meaning for your existence and a constant reminder of your accountability in front of God.

I suppose this is a short way to say that I realized what I was missing in my life, but it came to me in a form not previously encountered. Islam is truly the full culmination of man's relationship with God, and how it applies in all aspects of life. Not just spiritually and not bereft of its role in society at large (unlike contemporary ideas of the separation of church and state). Because it is an all comprehensive deen, and even though unitarian christians may have had it right in the beginning, unfortunately christianity flowed away from its pure roots and has been corrupted. Islam though, by Allah, has and will continue to be preserved till Kingdom come.

So what crossroads am I at now?

Well, this is my final year in college. I will earn (inshAllah) a degree in Geography-GISc and a Minor in Spanish. I am not quite sure where I will be going in one year, and I pray that it is to something greater and beneficial to society. I would love to do field research, and make a difference, but I don't know where to begin... what Grad-school, should I go to grad school? What kind of career is there for someone with my degree? Who do I talk to, and how do I keep myself from complacency? Will I want to go to professional school in the near future? Question after question after question plagues me at the moment and it beats me down sometimes. I can feel the stress, and I hope to cope with it in time.

Update

2009-11-09T23:53:00.005-05:00

بسملة

My senior year at Carolina.

This end of this semester will mark the beginning of my last year at Carolina. It has been an amazing experience, one with twists and turns, ups and downs that I believe if I were to see just the end result of myself through my former high school eyes - I would not have been able to believe. Every decision being unique in itself necessitates the act of experience. Had I not gone through whatever I have gone through, then every decision I ever made may seem irrational or unjustified.

To start, this was my first Ramadan. It was a blessed one indeed. I experienced many qiyam-ul-layls thanks primarily to the wonderful student run MSA we have at this university, and so many iftaars that I was able to share with my sisters and brothers. I have friends who are loyal to the max, and will support me at all times, and I have rizq (sustenance, provision) from Allahu aza wajal that does more than suffice. It was a wonderful time, and I pray that we gained the goodness from it therein. Amen.

Coursework

I attempted to take 18 credit hours this semester, but I quickly realized that I would be spoiling a good thing (my senior year) by trying to be a workhorse. Not to mention that I also have a part time job (12 hours a week), so that would have been a most taxing schedule with 0 room for a social life. I am taking two classes with labs (GISc and Remote sensing), one advanced Spanish grammar class, and one upper level modern art history class (weeeeeeirrrrdd). All of which I enjoy to some extent :) alhamdulillah.

Adventures

This semester has been full of adventure! First off, about 16 girls were all lucky enough to get to go on a white water rafting trip in West Virginia at the beginning of October (while it was still warm!!). We went to the New River gorge, and it was such an amazing experience. I still can't believe we pulled it off, and no one fell out of a raft or got hurt. Thanks to my hydro sister at Vtech who let all 16 of us crash at her apartment (otherwise this trip would not have been possible). Let's see what other amazing things: new friends, amazing speakers (Zaid Shakir came to UNC yesterday!), and oh yea TONS OF MY SISTERS ARE GETTING HITCHED!! Three girls in the past six months have got some guys whipped! (JUST KIDDING) InshaAllah they will be blessed marriages - all of them! I have my suspicions of which one of my friends are next... hehehe

Outlook on the future

EEK, don't ask me quite yet! I know I've got my eye on many opportunities that I already have experience in but I always keep my door open to new chances as well. I am really intrigued by research opportunities and/or travel. I would love to do something with the UN because of it's travel aspect, but I don't know that I would be okay with being sent just ANYWHERE. Also, I read this really interesting scholarly journal called The Professional Geographer, and the research (which are primarily independently directed) within this little journal seemed to me like a prime match for what I am looking to do... I just need to find out HOW I can do it. I hope some grad-school will accept me - hehe. As for the long term, I am pretty sure Law school or something focusing on the environment and human interactions would be my area of interest. If not, then experiential education... which I am always working on (on myself).

Ciao!

One more chance

2009-08-09T22:46:00.002-04:00

If it weren't for you I wouldn't be where I am now. I wouldn't have on the shoes that I have on right now. My life might be a different shade of gray, but gray nonetheless.

Is reality just a series of parallels that can be crisscrossed and interchanged at the whim of ones' emotions?

Is life something worth aspirations and dreams? After all, the one thing you are guaranteed is a place six feet under. This we can see for ourselves.

What about the unseen things? ...

You got to have faith, keep the faith.

North Carolina Outward Bound

2009-07-21T22:16:00.002-04:00

As I am writing in my blog at this very moment, I am currently located on a tract of Forest service land in the middle of Pisgah National Forest. My location is Cedar Rock Base Camp - one of two operational bases of the North Carolina Outward Bound School. If I was able to describe coherently what I do here for work, I would... but it is surely not the easiest thing to describe. Here is the website, check it out: www.ncobs.org

What I do during a normal work day is mostly working logistics in our warehouse. There I pack backpacks, food, collect items and disperse them where they need to be. When I am on call, I am the go to person for hospital, airport, or any other emergency runs from the field. When I say "the field" that just means anyone who is out backpacking. Our course area is the entire southern section of the Pisgah. It is in my opinion, the most beautiful part. Transylvania county is like a mini everything - rainforest, tundra, pine bearings, all kinds of microcosm environments between the Great Smokies, and Boone. It's Awesome!! Then on other days, I get to shadow field instructors, and I get to go with them on rock climbing trips or white water canoeing trips. So I have exposure to the students as well. I really enjoy it here, but I miss so many things about being at UNC. Including MSA, and the Masjid, and praying with other people... I miss that so much. The congregation is such a blessing. Solidarity is what all of my friends say to me when I tell them that I miss these things... but they easily forget that they are not in my shoes.

My dear Michael Jackson

2009-06-26T10:31:00.004-04:00

I grew up to your music.

Looked up to your example of passion.

Felt your lyrics.

Wished to attend your concert in one month...

May Allah guide you Michael, and whatever you have earned yourself now in the hereafter, only Allah knows. You will be remembered, and your music will live on.

I thought when this day would come, I would be older... but your untimely death is just a testament to your life. Living it at a roller coaster pace since the age of five... an old man's soul in a young man's body. A true leader, besides all of the controversy. His deep belief for unity of all mankind and for peace and of course his passion for children are all hallmarks of his character. I am sad and a part of me is still trying to refer to him in the past tense now... it is hard.

Say "Indeed, the death from which you flee - indeed it will meet you. Then you will be returned to the Knower of the unseen and the witnessed, and He will inform you about what you used to do. "
Al-Jumu'ah 62:8

RAVE

2009-05-01T01:04:00.003-04:00

I just had to make a post about the Rave that took place on campus. IT WAS SUPER!

So nonchalant. People just started filing into Davis library about 15 mintutes before 11:50, and then at 11:54 the music started blasting, and the people started jumping around. I saw my friends in the mix, being squished, tossed, turned, swayed. Basically every position you can do standing up, they went through. It lasted about 10 minutes, and then the music stopped, and the people in lines, left Davis library. I think about one or two people sustained some sort of injury from projectiles. Otherwise, it was a relatively safe event - meaning no serious injuries occurred. That's a relief.

If I had pictures, I would post them.

End of semester

2009-04-30T11:07:00.005-04:00

Finished.

The semester ended just three days past and this marks the end of my junior year. Next semester, I will be coming to Carolina as a senior, iA. My last year at Carolina... what a journey it has been. I could be here forever, but at the same time - I don't want to be here forever. I think I love so much the idea of living care free. College certainly affords you that - you can live in a dorm, in a bubble, surrounded by so many minds that think alike in many ways. You gravitate towards those who mesh well with your personality. You call them your friends. Classes tend to spark your interest, or your sleep. Whichever one, you end up enjoying most of them, unless you had to take one to simply fulfill some requirement - which can turn out for the best (but not usually). I have seen myself coming in to college so naive and idealistic. I will see myself leaving just a tad bit more mature, and a little less idealistic. This year, no, this past semester I have met some of the most amazing people that I have ever met... and they will be leaving me now; they are seniors. BUT our sisterhood in Islam will keep us together, and our love for Allah (swt) will prove the strongest binds. I am happy to see them moving on to Medical School, Law School, prestigious Universities (for Masters/Doctoral Degrees) and amazing travel plans after college. I am happy to know that I was able to share in their friendship, and I thank God so much for it.

This semester has been the most taxing on me emotionally. I can't even begin to explain how little worries I had in my freshman year, and now I actually have legitimate concerns for my future, and for those whom I care about. I pray that I can do well on my classes this semester as I take my final exams and turn in one more year.

This summer should prove to be fruitful, inshaAllah. I will be working with the North Carolina Outward Bound School, and I think everything about me is there except for the physical requirement. I am not confident that I can run 6 miles in 45 minutes, but I have been training and I will do my best. Plus I totally plan on being able to do that over the summer, meaning I will be training to do it while I am on basecamp. I think I will have the evening to do such, and I plan on it. How exciting would that be!? For me to be able to run a 10k by the end of the summer! That is pretty baller :D

Spiritual Elation

2009-03-24T12:55:00.004-04:00

Far beyond excitement...

Friday is the day! Talk about nervous, my hands are already shaking just thinking about it. Lol... not really - but I know it's an important step in my journey. It's really super important to let the community know that they have a new Muslim joining them, and so this Friday is my big day, I suppose :D

It's a bit surreal feeling to me though - because the whole shabang is literally like 3 minutes at the most. Then, as I have overheard, A ton of congratulations and affection from the sisters, and then I can go home, knowing that I have completed just one more pillar of my faith. I think it's truly symbolic to call them pillars - because in a way doing these the obligatory acts of faith support you so much in your endeavor to live your life in a manner that pleases Allah.

For example:

Shahada: This helps get you community support and networking, and it solidifies your covenant in a very public manner
Zakat: this is a way for us to support those who are less fortunate for whatever reason and to realize that the bounty given to us from Allah is not one just for selfish consumption, but that we all have a part in it. Zakat is more then just giving to the poor, its also for the betterment of our community.
Prayer: Who would question this one? As-salat is of the utmost importance. It is our daily connection with God and spirituality. It is our avenue with which Allah has ordained for us to humble ourselves, ask for guidance, support and remembrance of why we are here, and what we are striving towards.
Ramadan: It's much more then just self restraint from food: the food which God has made permissible for us to eat is such a blessing in itself, and the willpower that goes into refraining from eating from sunrise to sunset for one month truly serves as a reminder of what luxuries we have in the form of sustenance. It also serves as a time for deep contemplation as we are refraining from much more then just food and the hope is that whatever improvements you can make for yourself during Ramadan can be maintained and improved upon year after year.
Hajj: The great pilgrimage - obligatory upon any able-bodied person who can also afford to go. From what I have heard, it's just simply a gleaming pinnacle in one's spiritual journey to go, and the unity and focus during Hajj - all for the sake of Allah - has been described to me as incomparable. I would have to do this one first before I can say much more about it.

Hanging Rock
Hang of the Rock

What a blast! A full day of hiking and miles of scenery to be viewed from the top of the rock - plus going with the MSA always proves to be fun times :D Alhamdulillah!

Fall flat out on your face, at one fell swoop, like you just shortcircuited or something...

2009-03-05T12:59:00.006-05:00

Feeble minds
Feeble minds
Feeble minds

They just don't understand me... or maybe it's because they don't agree... It is most likely that they don't agree and thus don't want to hear what I have to say - which is fine, if only I would move on.

Today is a beautiful day - but this week, WOW - the weather has been insane. So it snowed on Monday and it is going to hit 70 degrees by Saturday. Spring break is approaching, and with it, my mom's departure... :'(

I feel sort of hopeless. It's the scariest reality I have had to face head on, I think it's just the distance that I fear the most. Because being away from my mom, like right now - being at College, is manageable because I know that I have the convenience of going home to her if need be, or when I please... but a whole country away... There is no spontaneity - everything has to be planned out, and if something were to happen that would call to my direct attention, I am still a whole 5 or 6 hour flight away. Besides all of that, we still have the fact that the length of her stay is not definite... aka I don't know when this whole mess will be figured out. At the same time, I feel like I have so much support from friends, more so then I do from my own family. I feel this way because even in the midst of my mom leaving, no one but my grandparents have actually offered for me to come live with them if I need somewhere to go... I mean, I don't want to undermine any hardships that they are going through either, but to hear the simple words that sure, I could stay there if I needed a place to stay would be nice... You would think family would be the first to reach out. Alhamdulillah for my sisters in Islam.

I have been wanting to go camping for a while now... I am thinking maybe the Tuesday that I return from Texas, that I will take a solo getaway to my most favorite spot on the Earth at the moment... I have not been to enough places in the world, to find a better spot, but I like this one just fine. Or I thought that if I get the special urge to, that I might go to the beach. I have yet to spend a night on the beach, and I am very eager to do so. I shouldn't be making too many plans though, I don't get my next pay check until next Thursday!

I am at work at the moment. It's a pretty chill job, especially if I am working at the office on South Campus. I think I am gonna peace out. Oh, ps. My shahada will be, inshAllah, on March 27.

Salaam

What beauty does to me

2009-02-13T12:43:00.012-05:00

SubhanAllah

What beauty does to me is it invigorates my soul and baffles my eyes

What beauty does for me is provide a brief moment of bliss

What beauty beholds is the power and awe inspiring greatness of The One and The Only

What beauty shows to the world is that everything has a purpose

I appreciate beauty now more then ever

counting...

2009-02-07T21:37:00.005-05:00

What a whirlwind semester it has turned out to be. Four weeks in and I feel like I have only been here for a few days... life is just passing me by so quickly - mostly due to the fact that I am very busy and it will only become busier now that I will start working with ITS. I got the internship with Outward Bound!!! Alhamdulillah! Oh, I am ecstatic about it - really and truly am. I have a lot of preparation though, because I don't want to be slack with my backpacking skills... and it's been about a year since I have been on a very good hard core trip - but backpacking is like riding a bike, you just need to start it up again and everything starts to click right away. Halaqas and Aqeedah class and MSA meetings have me running around in the evening times now... I remember when I used to be bored! Not any more - I think I might not have enough time for myself now... I hope I can find it. Otherwise, life is good, real good... I have so much to tackle in the future though... I hope I am ready for it all.

~till next time

Break snow

2009-01-23T01:18:00.002-05:00

It has been about two weeks since I have arrived back in Chapel Hill. What a transformation it has been. In these past two weeks, an assault on Gaza was terminated, a new president sworn in, a snow day in Chapel Hill (the first in a few years) and I slew of new friends to get to know this semester.

I haven't actually had so much time to procrastinate because I have been so busy with classes and interviews and events going on, I have barely enough time to sleep! It's exciting and overwhelming at the same time.

What makes me happy so far.

I really like being a part of the MSA, it's so active and I feel welcome there. They are nothing at all compared to the crazies that I met last year (Agape) in the pit (which I never explained how that ended up, but it wasn't good). Basically I am learning many things this semester, and more then just schoolwork. I feel the vast emptiness that once engulfed my heart like a valley subsiding, and I feel accountable. I have a strong sense of accountability, but when I came to college, it most certainly died down for a while because I am here for me, and not for anyone else essentially - like I am not here because my mom said I have to be, or because my family needs me to be here, but it is a plus for me to be here. I love Halaqa's and volunteering, and my W.E.L.L. hall is amazing!

tidbits...

When it snowed the first thing I did was get my camera and my boots on and I went outside to take pictures of the snow and the Old Well. I soon realized that everyone else wanted pics of the Old Well too... Then I went to the Quad and got some shots of the quad covered in snow and I found my friend walking by and I joined them. From there we found that there was a snowball fight in the pit! Flinging snow at everyone made my arm sore the next day :D Finally, by 11 am it was time for the Obama speech and I with many other people, huddled around in the Union to watch him address the nation for the first time as president. What a historic moment. Then the day ended with two more snowball fights, and a trip to the Durham masjid for aqeedah class. Today was the first time ever that I tried on a scarf to wear in the masjid... It was interesting, and a bit uncomforable underneath my neck, I think it might have been on too tight, but it was comfortable overall. It was also pretty warm, like a hood when I went outside... but the aqeedah class reminded me of some online videos I found about tawheed which was the topic that evening, and I saw a piece of the consistency of Islamic teachings in this way. :) Allah alaam.

Well, iA I hope to learn so much about my deen, and to grow with it in my heart, and god has benefited me with good company to do so. Alhamdulillah!

one week in.

2009-01-18T22:34:00.002-05:00

It's funny that they call this semester the "spring" semester. I will have you know it has been hovering around 30 degrees this past week, and not spring like weather at all. Today, walking back from Buns, the brick sidewalks(which UNC is known for)were frozen over, so much so that I was slipping around. This semester has been wonderful though. I really really have enjoyed myself so much; let me detail it for you.

I have met some of the most amazing, understanding, and generous people ever this academic year! Oh, they are so wonderful and real. Real meaning they do things from their heart and not their ego :)

My preparation for my shahada is being made easier everyday, and it seems that telling a few people here and there about my decision has really benefited my situation. I mean, I can't learn to pray alone, can I? Maybe it will be most difficult that way... but my friend's really go out of their way to help me, and I can't do anything but say thank you and assure them that I will always help out if I have the ability to do so. I have so much to learn...

L8tr!

Prarie walk

2009-01-05T17:43:00.009-05:00

About an hour before the sunset today, I convinced my mom to take me to the Plantation and go for a walk. I was feeling extremely tired and depressed, and I know exactly the reason for such feelings: a lack of movement. Being at home all day and sometimes sleeping more then I need to will act like a drain on a battery and it just sucks the life out of me. You would think all that rest would have me bouncing off the walls, but at a certain point it becomes detrimental to your health and your muscles quickly start to weaken and become used to mozying around the house all day. When I was in Puerto Rico I walked everywhere - that week of exercise built up my leg muscles and made me feel more energized when I returned home. So, we walked today on a trail called "The Hill Trail". I didn't know where it went, but it took us to a prarie. Even though the "trail" was a gravel road, and despite the fact that traces of humanity were everywhere I felt surrounded by beauty, natural beauty. Take a look.

Opinion: Cats are better then dogs...

2009-01-05T13:40:00.005-05:00

I think our family pet has a personality complex. He is happy one moment and then growling the next. Sometimes I tease him by growling back at him, and he will growl even more. But often I can just be minding my own business and I will see him try to attack my feet when I walk by him or start growling when I get close to my mom i.e. like to give her a hug. So, this post is for the spoiled rotten pooch that I am glad we have because he is a companion for my mom, but I really could care less for his attitude. On the other hand, I love kitties! They are so cute, cuddly, and small :D

Uncertainty Principle

2009-01-01T21:37:00.005-05:00

No, this post is not about physics.

No, this post is not about life.

No, this post is not about emotions.

No, this post is not about me.

What is this post for?

Well, taking into account the above criteria, I really don't have anything else to say.

Oh, yea... Happy New Year, it's 2009 in case you didn't know.

For a reason

2008-12-25T21:48:00.008-05:00

My blog is my own personal outlet, and not something that I expect other people to be reading. They may happen upon it, but I really don't expect for anyone to be reading it or to be interested in it... but if there are interested readers out there, know that I am flattered that you are interested in hearing about my crazy random thoughts :D

But even though this blog is just my way to express some facets of my being, I always get nervous before I write. I know that my audience may be non existent at times but I still get nervous about writing in such a public sense. Literally anyone if they pleased, could find my blog - why sometimes my blog shows up in Google if you search for a topic that I have talked about in my blog! WOW-- that is pretty cool.

Lately though I have been feeling a little bit outside of myself, especially since there is something that I need to talk to someone about and I have yet to get the courage to do it. I feel like I am hiding something from them that is something too important to hide and the only reason I am not talking is because I am afraid of what I don't know: what will happen once I tell them. Ugh, this feeling is horrible.

But disregarding that, I have been blessed with so many good people in my life and by the will of God I have been directed to a door that if I grab the knob will lead to a future of true knowledge and happiness. If the happiness and contentment that I feel right now just beginning my journey makes me feel this way, I can not wait to live my life the way God has asked for us, has commanded for us to do - for it clearly is in my opinion the best and most fulfilling way to live. I have been ignorant for a time now to this commandment, and really the only reason I can muster up to explain my ignorance is that I never felt a thirsting for knowledge as I do now - whenever religious teachings were trying to be forced upon me either through persuasions or pleads, I was never at ease with that approach. But when I began to learn on my own about Islam by my own curiosity, simply because I knew not what it was about, I was overjoyed to find such a clear and concise message. It indeed has been sent to confirm the past scriptures, and to reinforce a solid and original message.

Since then, it's been smooth sailing and although I have a mountain of questions none of them lead me to contradictions or unsettled feelings. It's rather surprising... I am usually a pretty harsh critic but I can't argue with the logic and rational that can be used to understand tawheed :D There are good things found within all the teachings of the people of the book, but the way I see it, there are three lights and each one is a little bit brighter then the last one that was revealed to mankind. What order they are in, I will leave it up to you to defer...

Passport

2008-12-13T13:21:00.005-05:00

Friday when I came back home from UNC, I found that I had received a small package in the mail. It was from the US State Department, and it was my PASSPORT!!!! YEA!!!! I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited about having my passport. It's ultimate freedom to travel the world. THE WORLD. The only thing I need now is the dolla' dolla' bill y'all. :D

I really like the little passport book - #1 its tiny (I love miniature things). #2, its tiny :D. #3 Even though some people think its cheesy, it has the Preamble right next to my information, and on the stamp pages are different photos of cliche places in America to visit or images of our nations historical foundations. In a couple days I will be in Puerto Rico, enjoying the good life for one week. Ahhhh, I can not wait, I haven't been in 5 years. It's nice to go back, I really enjoy being there. I will go hiking in El Yunque this time :D There are so many things that I want to do in Puerto Rico, and the weather / beauty is amazing. I look forward to the beach.

Ayuda

2008-11-29T23:25:00.003-05:00

This holiday break which will be followed by three days of classes and then its exam time, has been painstakingly short for me. I just don't have the angst, or the "ganas" to go back to school. My mom lost her job, and we are appealing the termination but its really hard on us not knowing what the verdict will be, and thus we can ponder all the possibilities: good and devastatingly bad. Their decision has the power to break apart a family prematurely, forcing her to have to leave me before I am even done with college. Our plan was I graduate from college, and find somewhere stable to live, and a job and then she would move to go live with her husband. But now, if she can not get her job back (and in this economy) then she won't be able to afford rent, car payments, cell phone bills, nothing, and she will have to leave by the end of winter...

Or, she can get her job back and we can be back on track, pay off her car, and then leave. This one difference, being unemployed, has had a major toll on my mental well being - I feel so depressed and helpless, but just having hope is what keeps me from wanting to curl up into a ball and watch the world pass me by. Plus I have hopes in another realization of mine, that I will have to work hard to gain... I need to send in my OB application too. I will do that, now that I have sent off the recommendation forms to my references... Just need to finish the write up now. Exams, exams, exams, I just am not feeling them right now, now is such a bad time. I just want to get a job and pay all my bills for my mom, she has done so much for ME, its the least I could do. But she would never allow that, for her my finishing college is most important. Plus, I'd really like to get it over and done with.

The day before, and this evening, I helped my mom edit her appeals paperwork, trying to convey as clearly as possible the situation that occurred, and the injustice she felt due to it. I ask God that our prayers are heard, I beg him.

Goodnight.

Thankful day

2008-11-27T23:12:00.004-05:00

I am just returning from a very sweet thanks giving dinner/evening where I spent the night playing rock band with some good friends of mine and eating deliciously cooked turkey, mac and cheese (home made!), broccoli casserole, mashed potatoes, and salad with feta cheese. Then for dessert there was a manjar cake with peaches and caramel, oh so delicious! It really is just a nice day to sit down and on everyone's mind is the thought that we are all together to give thanks for another year of being with one another, not necessarily a holiday of any religious significance in my eyes.

Tomorrow, I will go to the post office very early in the morning, and I will try to be one of the first people in line so that I can apply for a passport. It will be my first time ever having one, and this little booklet will allow me to travel to just about any country around the world! I am really excited :D

Dead week approaches

2008-11-25T22:40:00.004-05:00

My mom tells me that bad things happens in three's. I don't know how much salt is behind that statement, but there is no harm in making such an observation. I think it is just a general rule of thumb that when you get a streak of "bad luck" it usually is not a singular event, but many bad events in succession of one another, and since you are going through a rough time, you have a veil of uncertainty and negativity shrouding your outlook. Recently, some life changing events have occured, potentially changing the way I perceived my immediate future quite dramatically. For one, my mom was laid off from her job, for a reason that was unjust, and she is appealing the act, and it seems that she has the force with her :D Her former boss was really unfair in the way he terminated her and it was a very harsh punishment for a simple policy "violation". I hate this man and I don't even know him, I hate because he is hurting someone I love... but I don't actually hate him, just I am upset with the situation overall. So that could change the way I spend the rest of my time in college, this might affect where I live after college, this will affect my job freedom because I was hoping on living at home with my mom and paying off loans/saving money. Seems like I might have to go in on a lease with a friend, or something... With time I will figure such details out.

Another thing that has happened this semester, is I have released myself from my spiritual stalemate and I am learning about a way of life and appreciating God that I can see myself fulfilling daily. It feels so right, and even though some of the differences are minor from mainstream Christianity, these small differences really make the difference between black and white for me. I respect all people, and I especially respect all people who have realized that there is one true God, and are in awe of his eternal magnificence. I will leave it at that, because religion is my personal conviction and it is between God and myself. I feel like I have realized my beliefs anew and they are now connected and finalized, full circle.

Dead week is in one week! Literally, right after Thanksgiving break we have two last days of class, and then BAM its exam time. GHAAAAAA!!! I brought home just two subjects this time, the ones I feel I need to prepare for the most: Calculus and Spanish.

Even though my mom is not working, its really nice to have her here with me. Lots of time I can spend with her :)

My life is becoming more complex then ever! One step at a time please.

A remnant

2008-11-16T15:34:00.004-05:00

July 19, 2008

(At this time in my life I was in the middle of a hitch with the SCA in Waynesville, NC)

" Sometimes I don't really know what I aught to write down in a journal, for example should it just be a collection of my thoughts and observances or a log of my daily tasks... When I write my thoughts they tend to be incoherent or a bit scattered mostly due to the fact that I am always skipping ahead to the next idea or my mind is racing faster then I could ever get my thoughts written down onto the piece of paper.

My whole life I have been plagued by the thought that as I age, I won't be able to remember my youth because it will be so far away from me when I am older. How can I log every single day into my memory? Sure, you might feel that not everyday is worthy of remembrance, but to me I think it is - it is one day of my finite life that I have passed and I would like to know what I did with that time. I feel that as I move farther and farther away from the things that just occurred, then I will eventually forget entire tracts of my life because they are overshadowed by the mundane: just another day filled with common things, and no life changing or special event worth remembering... Yet there is so much more life to be lived and I think how can I still have space for more? That is why I love for one, the idea of being able to leave something concrete behind, something that I can use to remember the little things that pass by me on a day to day or event to event basis. That is why I write things down, and this is how I can look back at my mood, my nuances in thought, truly my only viable way of saving these things for the future when I would like to reflect on my past.

I have not quite gotten my foot into the door quite yet as one could say - I am not sure where that door is. Everyday I grow more and more solemn in the belief that careers are an invention of the 20th century. I cannot imagine doing one specific thing for the rest of my "working" career - like a plumber, or someone who sows, or an auto mechanic. These jobs are too stable for me, too repetitious. Yet I am not settled at the thought of being too unstable - like a true wanderer, someone who lets the wind guide their life. Maybe my opinion is tainted by society's influence on my thoughts, what is so bad about living your life at your whim? One is not constrained to the mundane in this way, every day of life seems more likely to be worth remembering instead of actually having days that even the next morning you might reflect upon it and say to yourself: Wow, that was really just a day wasted in my finite life...

Careers and choosing them sound to me like the child of a society obsessed on the predictable, humanity can not control everything, and we should learn to accept that. Our obsession in the west, and maybe this could be true in other places around the world are to have: A big house, a nice car(s), a family pet, a family, etc etc - so many things, things, things, that truly are not necessary for living a fulfilling life, they are not necessarily what makes one happy, material gains can not compliment the soul. As elusive as that idea of happiness may be, I guarantee that it is not born through the attainment of "things".

I was a little girl in elementary school, maybe 2nd or 3rd grade when I began dreaming about the wild. My minds eye saw myself in a wooden cabin, surrounded by nothing but God's creations, and I felt at peace. Maybe it was an idealized figment of my own imagination. All of these sentiments and aspirations welling up in me just as a young child were all due to my first ever trip outside of the concrete jungle that is Newark, NJ and many other cities within the vicinity. My cousin's parents took their family and my brother and I on a trip to the Poconos, west of New Jersey in the NE region of Pennsylvania. This trip was my first real road trip and excursion into anything more natural then a city park within Newark - I suppose the only other places that I had been were NYC, Brooklyn, Queens, and a few beaches on NJ coast including Atlantic city. I remember being surrounded by so much NATURAL beauty, and I can see all of this as if I were there in this very moment - I can see the jagged cliffs and the eagle gliding over its territory, I can see the crystal clear ponds and dirt roads traversing the country side - I can see all of this as I am writing right now. That beauty, such a stark contrast to life in Newark, it just consumed my young soul. It burned itself right into my eternal being, as if I found a piece of me that was waiting for me out there. A need and desire to be in all places natural was born in me then and I still feel this way to this very day.

Although I may have a fear of the unknown when I am in the woods - mostly lurking large predatory animals in the night, I yearn to be out there in the wild, to live life as our ancestors once did (I hope to be able to do this for a time) - off of the land, and to be surrounded by something far greater then man's fabricated societies, to be in God's creation and to love and appreciate truly every breath that I was given the ability to breathe, that nature allows me to take, to praise a higher energy for the knowledge and ability to trap food for nourishment, and to be able to grow and no longer fear the unknown for I will be surrounded by it."

That was a reflection of mine that I wrote one evening this past summer, and I found it today in one of my many little places that I write my thoughts down - I have no one consistent place unless it makes it here into my blog - usually they are in notebooks, or little writing pads but NEVER in the journals that I buy and I tell myself that I will use them. There is something about me and journals - I tend to buy unique journals that I tell myself I will use for a special occasion, its just that I never seem to find that special occasion. Usually I see myself on a trip or expedition, and then I feel I will use the journal since these are places that I am not at the convenience of a computer, or the many notebooks and pads lying around my room. I have dedicated my Thoreau journal to my trip to Egypt. My other pads, I am not sure what I will do with them yet.

World Citizen

2008-11-08T14:47:00.006-05:00

Just in case you weren't one of the millions of people watching the television or listen to the radio on November 4th 2008, Barack Hussein Obama is our President Elect, and

ojalá
Insha Allah
(god willing)

will be sworn in on January 20, 2009 to be our 44th president of the United States of America. I do not think I have ever been more proud to be an american then now. He has a lot of culture associated with his name and upbringing although as a political figure he has done very well to come off as a "World Citizen", or someone with a charm and intellect that could be accepted by many cultures. This is a goal of mine as well, to visit every country before I die would be an awesome opportunity, but its also a grandeur one. I definitely already have a mental list of places that I need to go - first being Cairo, then España.

73 days until inauguration.
I felt like I needed to make this post because the day of Obama's election to the presidency, I had surely expressed my jubilee on facebook but I had not dedicated a single sentiment of mine to my blog, and so I felt it necessary to do just that. Although I am and will be a Hillary fan, she also strongly supports Obama, and in all reality they had the same skeleton of a platform and I too believe and support my new president - the first one I have ever been able to vote for! This momentous event in history is mine to share :D

Yay - gObama!

Tiredness

2008-11-08T02:02:00.003-05:00

Have you ever been so tired that when you finally get into bed you realize that you are too tired to fall asleep? This has happened to me on several occasions, and my rememdy is just to lie in bed for a short while just dreaming of what could be, and the miracle of sleep will overcome me at some point in time when I lose conciousness.

I have also realized that falling asleep is just as sketchy as lets say someone slipping a roofie in your drink because you can never pin point the exact moment of when you fell asleep. You can figure out when you got drunk, or when you felt something change in yourself, but things that play with your conscious are forces not to be reckoned with, and this is why I will never ever find myself in a vulnerable position like taking drinks from a nice guy at a bar. It is just too risky, and I probably would not find myself sitting in a bar alone... so that is not a plausible situation in the first place.

How I went from sleep to illegal drugs baffles me, I can see how my logic transitioned from point a to b, but I do not understand why I thought it was a valid thought other then the plain and simple fact that it seemed to make sense at the time.

I aught to go to sleep now, it is past 2 am. Good night.

What is the point?

2008-11-03T01:22:00.005-05:00

I first of all, in my three years of participating in the random selection process of housing at UNC, have never yet been placed with a roommate that has shown any promise of rooming with me again. What I am saying is that in most cases this person is tolerable, but its never been really a pleasant experience.

Every year upon learning about my new roommate I always look forward to the situation with 100% positive outlook - I give the entire situation the benefit of the doubt, I really do. In the end it always is just mediocre at best. You know, what is the point really of having a roommate, someone you are not guaranteed to get along with, and someone who potentially talks a lot of talk but never walks the walk. Why should I have to pay extra for wanting to live alone? The price of a solo dorm on campus is truly the only factor that hinders my doing so. I would have done it from the get go if I had the resources.

Roommate contracts

On top of being forced to live with this stranger, you then both agree upon roommate contracts that most of the time the roommate blatantly ignores decisions made within. For example, it is 1:28 am and my roommate is currently in the room chatting away with her boy toy despite the fact that we agreed after midnight would be our quiet time in the room... What is the point?

Why do people make themselves out to be one way, and then do not follow through? I take people's words seriously, like for example one girl down the hall promised me lunch for a good deed that I did for her (without expecting anything in return) and it has been two months - WHY say something like that and claim that you are really serious about doing that, and then not do it???? Loser.

Why do people say they are actually really organized, and neat but the entire semester their room as been as messy as the day they moved in?????? Why not just fess up and say, yes I am messy and please let me know if it bothers you, instead of saying something you obviously are not!

Why did we agree to clean up the room once a week at least (which I adhere to quite consistently) but yet they have not once cleaned up, and they justify their messyness by saying that "its not that bad". What is the point?

Why does everything have to be so difficult, and why do I have to be so tolerant of it?

Halloween

2008-11-01T15:39:00.004-04:00

Halloween on Franklin is an annual gathering and socially accepted practice in Chapel Hill for folks generally aged 14-100... I never did understand why so many folks bring their 3 year old children to a place where they might be trampled by oblivious drunken fools...

Yet I suppose this year may well have been a much safer Halloween then years past - especially since the CHPD decided that it was time to cut Halloween short - about 2 hours shorter then normal. Just as the last call is dispensed in the bars and the patrons make their way home, the same thing happens around 2am on Franklin with all of the intoxicated Halloween street goers - but this year CHPD decided Franklin street would be cleared out at 12am, and despite doubts and calls for rioting, they surely did clear house. I feel that since there was such a big fuss made about how the Town of Chapel Hill would be calling the shots this year about our homegrown tradition, that many folks just decided it would be best to not go to Franklin for Halloween - and thus the costumes this year were not as good, the vibe was not as exciting and lively as prior years, and there was a lot of talk in the papers about Policemen on horses and the possible use of force to clear out the streets at midnight.

My time there

I was on Franklin for about an hour, and it really only took that long because we were trying to sift through the mass of people whilst absorbing all of the good costumes that you could tell people put a lot of time or money into gaining. I saw an awesome P2P costume, and some members of the Aquateen Hungerforce. There were some ingenious renditions of common phrases, for example, I saw "two peas in a pod" making their way to franklin, and I thought to myself - now that is unique!

Perception Personality Image Test

2008-10-21T21:44:00.002-04:00

Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

NBPC - The Daydreamer

You perceive the world with particular attention to nature. You focus on the hidden treasures of life (the background) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the colors around you. Because of the value you place on nature, you tend to find comfort in more subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You like to ponder ideas and imagine the many possibilities of your life without worrying about the details or specifics. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You are a down-to-earth person who enjoys going with the flow.

The Perception Personality Types:

Take The Perception Personality Image Test at HelloQuizzy

Good feelings

2008-10-16T12:45:00.006-04:00

I love it when you get those little butterflies in your stomach when you are thinking about someone. It's the best and sometimes the worst feeling all together because it is a mix of your biggest hopes and dreams mixed together with the reality that it may not end up the way you want it to.

Fall break

I am going home for fall break - the train ride here was very nice, and it did not feel so long because I was watching Into The Wild while the train was passing by. Arriving at the train station in Charlotte, I was waiting for my mom to come get me and I was also people watching since I had nothing else better to do.

Most of the folks were uninteresting, but there was this one kid - maybe 16 or 17 years old, and he was riding around on a skateboard with the smallest wheels I have ever seen. Absolutely tiny wheels. So this kid was there before I got there and he seemed to be getting frustrated for having to wait so long. He asked to use my cell phone and he called his mother, but the tone of voice that he used to talk to her with was so repugnant and rude, if I were his mother I would have put him in his place faster then you can say - go. I left before he did, so I didn't get to see him treat his mom in person, but he aught to be so appreciative that he has a mother that will come and pick him up in his time of need. He doesn't realize how completely dependent he is upon her, and her importance in his life - all taking into account that yes, adolescence is a difficult time for a developing young person but there is no room for disrespect to your parents.

Trevor's Birthday

2008-10-05T20:55:00.002-04:00

Trevor turned 21 this past Thurs, Oct 3. He has passed that imaginary threshold from underage to legal status to consume alcohol. Oh, it must be wonderful right?

Not really. It's awesome that he can now purchase it legally, but really that's all you can do now is do what you already can manage to do underage - but legally. He can go to any bar, any club and order a drink, order shots, you name it.

The Birthday party wasn't exactly what I had hoped for Trevor, mostly because people who said they would come did not come... I had some pretty good music going but folks weren't in the mood to dance, not when there are only 12 people in the room. So that was a let down, but his best friends from college were there, and he did go to a real club, and order shots without the fear of getting caught drinking underage. W00t - being 21 has it's benefits.

Lateness

Urgh, I have made nothing lower then a 90 on my GEOG370 labs, and here I am with my first late lab. I turned it in last night, one day or so late. I hope they don't count it as two days - THAT WOULD SUCK.

Trevor's party and my own lack of initiative to do the lab earlier is what caused me to miss the due date. I also forgot about a very important meeting with an advisor at 12:30 and I probably did really badly on my math quiz that afternoon. I suck sometimes.

A brighter day

I really truly honestly want to get myself out of this nonproductive state. I aught to get back to reading my GEOG370 book, seeing that I have a quiz on Tuesday.

NC Mountain reflections...

2008-09-26T00:35:00.009-04:00

I mentioned earlier in the year how I was living in Waynesville, NC for 3 months this summer, a lot of which I spent just driving around Western North Carolina and "inspecting" houses for CWPP compliance... It was a rather unique experience and I feel I have spent that necessary amount of time away from my life there that I can truly reflect on it wholly.

The Job

My job was rather spotty in its definition, and it did not help that our Project leader was an idiot: J*RRY R*NFROE from Louisiana. We were ACTUALLY supposed to gather wildfire risk information about communities as laid down by Fire districts, compile the data into visual maps to reference them spatially and then present them at community meetings to promote awareness about this seldom known hazard in the WNC. Also we were to make a database about how well equipped the mostly VFD were and their response times and etcetera. What sort of work did we actually do? Our PL, someone we were supposed to trust, had us doing not even the bare minimum -- basically we filled out CWPP assessment sheets, and met with VFD's to see where their communities at risk were. Our assessment was so half-assed and incomplete that whoever takes our place next season will basically have to do everything all over again. It's a real shame that someone who is supposed to be a professional would take advantage of a wonderful organization like the SCA... Mr. Renfroe you should be ashamed of yourself, and I am 100% satisfied that you were promptly fired following investigation of your fraudulent acts. I appreciate karma, and he got what he deserved.

The mountains

I love the mountains. If you haven't gotten that vibe from my blog well then you must not have read much of it. The scenery, the environment, the weather, the ruggedness, the challenge that is physically demanding yet rewarding immediately - the challenge of mountain life fulfills me. Although I have to have variety. I don't like staying in a valley for too long, while too much Mountain top travel can be overdone as well. I like the two extremes in modest amounts, but I never get tired of crystal clear water with cliffs with which you may plunge into the lake gracefully... I love (although fear at the same time) cliff jumping (into lakes only...) but I don't dive, I am too scared about breaking my neck/back so feet first only! You know, now that I went to some parts of the GSMNP, I really do appreciate the unique beauty of the Pisgah versus the GSMNP. I feel like there is a lot more to do in the Pisgah, more variety, and I don't have to travel as far to get to it all. Plus I still am in love with Black Balsam Mountain. Oh how I love thee. My friend Tbear made a panorama of our trip down the BRP around mile marker 418 as we were attempting to get to Black Balsam (we never did make it...) but it was still a great trip and I am glad we went.
Waynesville

Yes Waynesville is a small town, and the worst part about living there wasn't the fact that it was a small town, it was the fact that I was stuck in a small town and I had to rely on my coworkers to take me around to the places that I wanted to go to... That's what made Waynesville so inconvenient. Granted if we lived near downtown, then it wouldn't have been so bad but we were far away from everything looking at it from a strictly pedestrian point of view. Also our PL really shouldn't have lived with us, that was just wrong. I liked Waynesville though because it was absolutely gorgeous and I was so close to the Blue Ridge parkway. It literally hugged our town, and I got to experience an Indian reservation - Cherokee - and see how that way of life works in a sort of fashion. I also saw bears, although in a totally unnatural environment (they were penned up in concrete cells at a bear zoo in Cherokee) but I have never seen a live bear before, I also saw Grizzly bears and they are humongous. I met an amazing bunch of people who were also SCA interns and they all lived in Sylva (way cooler then Waynesville) and also Teresa Carswell who works directly with the North Carolina Forest Service. She was awesome, and a true blessing to my experience there. She was the ultimate strong woman in a man's world persona, doing what is typically seen as a man's job - she was a smoke chaser and it was her life's passion :) and I truly respect that. Alex also was a pleasant encounter, besides the fact that he was amazingly good looking, he has such a vibrant and enticing personality - wild stories and the soul of a explorer... I really admire his passion for dangerous things in life although he is very responsible in most respects, he just does things a bit more intensley then the average person.

Looking ahead.

I will finally be turning the magic age of 21 where so many doors apparently open as I hit this arbitrary age - almost of a rite of passage into the world of adulthood - now I can rent a car, now I can consume alcohol legally, and now I am able to apply to the North Carolina Outward Bound School to be an Outdoor education class leader!!! What a relief, I can finally look forward to this job that I have been looking forward to for 4 years now!!! YAY. I have received the application from the staff administrator and I have two people who can write me a recommendation, all I need is one more! I can't wait...

Scam artists

2008-09-25T12:15:00.005-04:00

I have never encountered fraudulent activity online until tuesday evening. I have had some fraudulent charges posted to my account from a pizza shop, and from a hardware store but never have I found a scam online, until I met "topsale-electronics.com". I have been searching for the best deal on Harman Kardon Soundsticks II since I first discovered them about 6 months ago, but I just can't see myself paying more then $100 for them... So this website advertised them at $80! It was a dream come true, at least until I realized after I made a purchase that they were a scam. Mostly because my transaction was still pending after 24 hours. Probably because I didn't give them my last 4 digits of my SSN (a great thing for me) because I saw that as fishy...

I had to cancel my bank card, and now I must wait for a new one to come in the mail. *Sigh*

All I want is a pair of speakers and a subwoofer!!!

Progress

2008-09-24T23:54:00.004-04:00

My semester is getting off to quite an unbalanced start. I am doing really well in two classes, iffy about one class, and really bad in (guess what) Calculus. UGHHHHHHHH I am tired of this same ol' cycle with math and being really lazy/bad at it. I just can't stick it in my head like I can with Environmental Science, Geography, or even language... but when it comes to algebra it's like a totally different language.

Midterms

I got a semi-sweet surprise today, the midterm that I was sure I got around an 85 on, I received a 97. How that came about, I am not sure because I didn't even finish the last question! I mean, I started it, I got a number, I didn't include units, I mean really I am quite shocked. My GEOG 110 class, I faired well, not as well as I hoped but an 84 is not a bad start (especially for not really even having to study for it) all I did was do most of the readings and pay attention in class. Spanish I have yet to discover how I performed, and Calculus I got a 40 on my 1st quiz, 60 on my second and a 42 on my First Test

Ok, I don't have time for tears...

Interest

So, every semester I always find someone to spend a lot of time thinking about (more then I should at least) and usually it's some kid from a class that I think is super attractive, or what not but this semester it's someone that it reallllllllly shouldn't be. I am sure nothing will come of it, if something does I would be pretty happy, but if not, no worries, this person is nice to be around :D

Exercise

Since I have started my new weightlifting routine, I have noticed that I have put on a little weight, so I am now incorporating a cardio routine to balance out the muscle gain and fat loss. It's been two days and the hardest part is just getting myself outside to go running. I think I will start a routine, beginning with 10 stair climbs in the forest theater, followed by a brisk walk (which I will eventually turn into a jog) through Battle park. I truly understand the good feeling now after having worked out, I feel more alive and my body really does appreciate the extra work its gaining. I love exercise!

Homework

I seem content on procrastinating as much and as often as possible, one reason being the fact that it's so easy to do. I have tried giving myself the guilty trip and it doesn't work, so now I will just deprive myself of computer time because that is really what stimulates the procrastination -- too much computer time. I think about the people who went to college before me in the early 18th and 19th centuries, how hard they worked to be there, how some of them had to fight to receive education, and here I am taking this for granted. What a shame! Maybe institutionalized education really isn't for me...

Starting my junior year

2008-09-07T22:01:00.004-04:00

This is going to be quick because I have a rather busy schedule and not a lot of time to use for blogging.

I love where I live on campus, it is amazing. My dorm is so nice, and aesthetically pleasing, the people are as well :D. I think I have noticed soooooo many more hot guys walking around campus lately and it's unfortunate in some aspects that I don't get any of their attention, but its wonderful because I don't have that sort of distraction or pressure related to relationships. I noticed my anxiety has been building now that time is truly running short for me, in college. I have just 4 semesters!!!!! Maybe 5 (lol) if I take the ninth semester allotted to me... I hope I won't have to do that, because that means not graduating on time with my class, and more money.

Classes have been going pretty smoothly, my only complaint is not having received my textbook for GEOG110 because Chegg.com "lost" my copy during shipment. Calculus is also another big class for me because it is very difficult. I bombed my first quiz, so I will be getting to know my TA and the Math help center really really well this semester. Spanish, GEOG370 and ENST 202 are all going really well and don't worry me as much as Calc class.

Not much else has changed, my friends are still great, my roommate is cool, I love being able to ride my bike to class and not be profusely sweaty while doing so... and I have only been to south campus maybe 4 times so far... AMAZING.

Religion is a comfort to the human mind..

2008-08-04T10:13:00.006-04:00

Or a convenience of the psyche/conscience... I couldn't decide which was more accurate so I left it like so.... Convenience meaning a comfort, something that we are privileged with even having the ability to comprehend in the least.

A series of unfortunate events

2008-07-31T23:00:00.003-04:00

I haven't posted in a long time... That is mostly due to the fact that I have not really felt like sitting and typing out my feelings. This blog is a mixture of what I think, what I feel, and what I have learned. This summer I took up an internship with the Student Conservation Association - the SCA. I am a fire education corps member, though I like to call it an internship but it isn't quite that. It's a little bit different because most of the expenses are paid. I make 160 a week, a measly stipend, but it does the job. I am not here for the money, I am here because I received an email from my advisor/professor on a listserv that stated this was a great opportunity. I am here because I thought I would be doing a great thing for other people. I am here because I believed in what I read the SCA was all about. I am here because my vision was clouded by lies from my project leader, and I am not happy at all about having put that much trust into someone's words. I am trully ashamed of his leadership especially after all of the things he talked himself up about- his leadership, the program, the accomodations, his goals, and our responsibilities. None of these has held up, not one bit of it, to the words he accounted to them... I would be a better leader. Anyone here could be a better leader because we actually want to leave the North Carolina Forest Service, and the SCA with a good name, but here is here because he feels like he is doing charity, and he thus puts little substance to his promises, to his responsibilities, to all of his bullshit, which he has proclaimed himself a master bullshitter. I know it is true as well, because I have caught him in a lie more then once. I am so fed up, I can't wait until I am out of this house, and never have to see him again. There is only so much I can do as a corps member, and I am not here to help anyone look good. When our Project Manager comes, I will let her know exactly how I feel, and what can be done to make things better. There are soo many suggestions, and things that could be changed, I am confident that I could fix a lot of these complications. This summer's internship was truly for me, after the training in Idaho, a series of unfortunate events.
I had high hopes but as soon as I met Jerry, the very moment I met him, i had a bad taste in my mouth, and I knew it was downhill from there. We are a fire education team, so not only do we help in creating CWPP's , we also should look for opportunities to inform the public, but have we done that?? NO. We are just doing housing assessments like there is no tomorrow. All day, all 8 hours in a car, we just assess houses. Then on the weekends, Jer-bear takes the SCA vehicle, using SCA gas, to go back to Pigeon Forge to take care of his business. He doodled during Access/Arc Map training, and doodled about our agency contact being run over by a firetruck! I can't believe that. He retells the same damn stories over and over again. I think if he ever was a great leader, he has lost all remnants of that leadership. You know what, I need to save this for Jill, so I will leave my rant and talk about the good things.

Good things about this internship:

Hiking
Mountains
Beautiful trips to the Great Smoky Mountains, and the Pisgah National Forest
Wolf Lake
Tourist Towns
Hanging out at Patrick's place
The sylva team

I think that's about it. In the beginning of the summer, I had so many ambitions and things I wanted to do buy my roommates were like: we have ALL summer to do things. Yet I was ready to go NOW. Update: we are two weeks away from being done and they are scrambling to do all these things that they never got done because they wasted their weekends away... Poor them :P

Next time I do an SCA thing, if I do... I will have my own car. WILL

First day on the job

2008-06-24T00:12:00.003-04:00

We finally began real work today. It was a real jiffy though - super easy stuff, but extremely tedious. I believe my favorite part about it all is how we get to drive around and see different parts of the state all day. Brevard, NC - Transylvania county (oohhh spooky). That is where we started this bad boy, and we got a good chunk of it cleared off. We hit every single community that the firemen recommended we do, and I myself slugged in 14 home assessments today. We could have gotten more done, but my coworker didn't really feel too confident doing the assessments so we had to go through each one step by step. It took about three times as long, but I hope they are learning.

Brevard is really close by where I was driving through on my spring break. The whole places seems a lot smaller now since I have been driving through it all. Most of the windy mountain roads pass by hundreds of small outlier communities - basically people who live on farming or long distance commuting. These people really are isolated from the world in many ways. A lot of the time cable is not available, not even water from the city and if they can afford satellite, then they buy it. Otherwise, they live simple lives. Not everyone, but a vast majority. I have also noticed so many private communities living ontop of mountains and it hurts me to see nature being taken away so wilfully by people. I feel like we have plenty of land that is poorly used and should be redeveloped then to just build farther away from our cities and with poor standards. All of the communities there are either in jeopardy for High or Extreme fire danger... so where are these standards coming into place??????? Seems like it is another government push over plan to just circulate money around... oh well.

Waynesville

2008-06-08T13:44:00.003-04:00

Hey everyone,

I am in Waynesville, NC. The living room view has a shot of Wolfpen Mountain from it. Pretty sick view, in my opinion. I am spending bonding time with my house mates and getting to know them pretty well. Today I decided to explore Wolfpen Rd, and boy o boy is it steep! I was going up and up, to try and find some sort of trail to bike on... but it is all pretty much developed lots with lots of surrounding woods. I found a really pretty creek and I saw the end of the road which was private property. The views going up the road are so beautiful. So when I decided to go down the road, I had my brakes on almost the entire time. It was so scary, I would pick up so much speed and I was not able to see around bends so I was further scared of getting hit by a car or losing control and veering off the road. There was poison Ivy EVERYWHERE so I didn't dare go off the road or I would have been exposed. Other then that the trip was pretty fun. I think I may need to buy some more brake pads for my bike... I think I will be wearing them out a lot. I am not used to riding down steep hills so I will have to get used to it. I am going to put up some pics soon so watch out.

Idaho, here I go!!

2008-05-27T23:23:00.004-04:00

I am in McCall, Idaho at the University of Idaho Forestry Camp. The views are great, but not as spectacular as I had hoped. It is still nothing compared to what I look forward to in the Sierra Nevada someday, but I love the giant redwoods that are EVERYWHERE :D

I am here with the amazingly wonderful organization known as the Student Conservation Association (SCA). I am a Fire Education intern and basically I deal with everything fire. Mainly our group will be working with Community Wildfire protection and planning, but we still get most of the technical training like WFA and GPS/GIS training which I am STOKED about.

The city.

When I first arrived in Boise I came in with a clean slate. No expectations for the city, not a clue - and I think that's the best way it could have ever been. I loved Boise, its so pedestrian, cyclist and even car friendly. Everyone there and I mean EVERYONE regardless of age or gender were all taking advantage of the green ways built by the city and the people are soooo nice too. It is certainly no New York city, but a fair 200,000 person and quite substantial capital in the West.

So I am here training for my internship, the first day was sort of boring- all the essential standard training/information - sexual harrasment, risk management, blah blah blah...

Sooner then later we will begin the WFA training (so excited!!) and GPS and some community wildfire focus.

Today I jumped into Lake Payette - it was FREEZING cold. But I had fun, I will put the pics up later...

oppps. gotta go
ttyl

Life here the past week and a half.

2008-05-17T17:24:00.004-04:00

I am back at home. I arrived back on the 7th. Driving back home was pretty fun - Don and I packed the truck SO full of mostly my stuff... *shhh* :\ But the worst thing that happened on the ride home was that a drawer from my personal items just fell out all over the highway at some point and we don't even know when it fell out... I was in shock. We stopped the car around Concord Mills, but it was probably long gone by then. I lost some of my most favorite camping utensils. Oh well...

A week at home did me well in regards to catching up on proper sleep. Since my mom wakes up so early in the day, I have been getting up about 8 to 10 am every day except on the weekends where I still manage to sleep pretty late... But being at home has been pretty ok this summer. Not too boring since I do have a lot of packing to get done and I also have been going around visiting friends. The wednesday that we returned home, a bunch of old high school friends and myself went out to eat at CiCi's pizza and then we went to Peak Fitness Family Entertainment center and played lazer tag and then went bowling there. It was a night full of fun and reminded me of when we would hang out back in HS. That was only two years ago but it feels so far away.

So then the most amazing series of events happened to me on thursday last week. I was job searching so I went online and applied to Borders Books, and Home Depot to be a cashier or something boring like that so I could just make some money over the summer and then I decided to apply to this internship I heard about through an email from my advisor/professor. Well about an hour or so after I sent the email I received a phone call from someone in New Hampshire... It was the reference for the position up in NH for the SCA and she was calling to see if I was truly interested in the position either in Western NC or out on the Coast. Well I was in shock at how quickly they replied and by 7pm that evening I was being interviewed for the position. Friday morning I received a call from my team lead for the internship and he told me that I got the position and now all we needed to do was get the paper work out of the way. OH I was ecstatic about the good luck I had. Now I just await the paperwork that I should be receiving by email and I am hoping that everything will go well and I really look forward to all the training and everything that will come in the next week. :D

Last stretch

2008-05-06T00:27:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is my last exam. Spanish 300. I need a B- in the class to go on to other classes. If I don't get a B- then I probably won't spend time trying to double major in Spanish because quite frankly, don't want to take that class again. It was an awesome class but the other i believe 7 or 8 classes I need will take up too much space in the 4 semesters I have left. EEK! Only four more semesters!!!! College is drying up quickly but sometimes it does feel like an eternity. Already here comes summer rushing at me and then sooner then I know it will be time to start college again. I did about half the quizzes earlier today and I am about to do the other half. Ugh, I just hope I do well in ENST and in Spanish, these two grades will help redeem my GPA. Also, I just want to do well in the classes I enjoy the most. Is that too much to ask for?

Moving and next semester.

2008-05-01T04:02:00.004-04:00

My new living place. I will be on the third floor, and I just found out who my roommate is today. Exciting!!!

Also, my mom called me today to inform me that we are moving. I was a bit scared because I always get a little anxious when I move to a new place - but this place sounds so good. It has a racquetball court, two swimming pools, gym, and it is two minutes from North Lake mall and not far at all from I-77. Also, although I won't have my own room anymore because it is a one bedroom, we will have a sun room and all amenities are included. Real convenient I must say! I believe I will be using the exercise facilities a lot. I really did not like the neighborhood I used to live in, but this place is very new and feels like it will be a great place to live. I surely do hope so. We move in about a month and a half.

Rooming Next Year

2008-04-28T22:09:00.001-04:00

I am so happy! I got a real big scare from an email I received from housing saying that I was living in Craige with NO AC!!!! That would be freshman year all over again. I was so dreading this condemnation but then I got online today and I checked housing online and I saw that I am actually living in MCIVER 325!!! WHOOOOOO! I am soo happy happy happy joy joy joy joy joy! OH, I am so pleased to know I don't have to go bug people to fix this potential problem anymore! :)

Final Exams again...

2008-04-27T20:10:00.002-04:00

This will be a semi annual reality for me until I graduate. The funny thing about finals is that they stress almost everyone I know out, but in the end this is something most people long forget once they get into the real world. No final examinations to be found in your career. I suppose that the success you attain or the comfort with which you are able to retire is essentially your "final" exam. A review of your life accomplishments - what you have done for yourself and others, and thus the more you give, the more you will receive. Still, my exams make me cringe because it's just a very simple way to judge whether someone has or has not learned anything from the class... Not everyone learns the way that traditional education teaches us - memorization after memorization after memorization... Sometimes I learn more from a conversation (one on one) then a large lecture, and sometimes the reverse - it all depends on the delivery. If the lecturer has a way to relate and engage my mind and make that day memorable I tend to remember it, but if it is just a regurgitation of what we have read in the book well, it justs seems to float away from me.

I need to go back to studying now.

Roommates from Hell

2008-04-19T02:26:00.000-04:00

Working on the website

2008-04-15T14:16:00.002-04:00

I have been tiring myself out a little bit working on the UNCWRFC website. It is looking awesome I have to say. I am extremely proud of this one and a bit shameless when it comes to advertising it, but I looked really diligently for a template that I felt suited our needs and I found it. So what more can I say? It's wonderful and will only be getting better. Right now, 3/5 links at the top work, and 5/8 work in the Navigation on the side posts. Pretty much all I have to do is a bunch of text editing and get people's info on there. The roster is up! And I am getting updates from players everyday. I love the new website it is so professional - all we need now is our own sweet domain and google will do the rest for us and our publicity. Ahhh, i really do enjoy working with websites, although sometimes I admit they are a little overwhelming when you do it the old fashioned way (page by page).

Here is the link UNC Women's Rugby Club

The car of my dreams

2008-04-08T21:28:00.003-04:00

Honda Insight

For me this goal is in sight. I plan on saving money so that I can buy this car. Now with that in mind, I hate money - I really wanted to say that. This car get 70 mpg Highway. 600 mi average on one full tank, and the most magnificent part is that older cars from like 2003 go for $10,000 US.

I
want
it
so
bad.

And since that is the case, i will be saving up for it, for reallllz...

For my thoughts almost a year ago.

2008-04-03T15:20:00.003-04:00

Periodically I like to look back at my posts in the past, to catch up with feelings months and months ago and to see if I have resolved anything since the time being. It is a sort of reflective therapy for me and I am able to feel and experience the feelings I had once again, it's almost like reliving the past. I was reading a post back from my freshman year at the end of my first year at UNC and it was full of feelings of anguish, emotions, and overall just distress because it was an emotional first year at UNC. LOTS of things happened, so many different things coming from all different angles - but I read on thing then that has been solved now.

My Major:

Environmental Studies, & Español.

Why?

So one of my biggest fears was mixing my simple desires and love for nature with that of my society generated "career goal" which basically my plan was this: get a traditional job (DR, LAWYER, BUSINESS,...) and make lots of money. That was the plan, so simplistic, I wish I would have known about ENST earlier. Spanish was just a no brainer - I have for a long time just wanted to be fluent in Spanish so this is the best way I can get that goal accomplished at the moment. This semester I have been in a class called ENST 201 - the goal of this class is to raise awareness of the environment and the situation it is in around the world. With books about: When the Rivers Run Dry, Exposed, The High Price of Materialism and The End of Oil; weekly journals about current events involving the topics we cover and presentations and case studies about environmental catastrophes around the globe - this class really helps to raise awareness and I like it. Also, the listserv just sends an enormous amount of internship opportunities at least once a week.

Spanish - well I just really want to hone in on my spanish speaking skills and grammar so I thought it would be best to continue on with spanish until I start sucking at it so horribly that I should give up... That should not happen.

Google's Custom Time

2008-04-02T23:08:00.002-04:00

On monday evening when checking my email, I saw on my inbox page a new link for Google Custom Time by Gmail and I at first didn't pay much attention to it because the link didn't work when I clicked on it. Then on Tuesday morning when I checked my email again, I saw an advertisement for new Custom Time : never send a late email again! I was actually very excited with this new application and I was about to try it out today but it was gone! I googled 'custom time' and found out that it was their April Fools day prank. Last year it was the Google paper which I did not buy into, but they totally got me on this one... :p

I wish it were real. ;)

My springbreak '08

2008-03-19T18:03:00.020-04:00

On our way home from Chapel Hill the ride was boring and melancholic, and as I expected, Charlotte was not going to leave much of an impression on my friend Trevor. Charlotte is the definition of urban sprawl. Everything is so spread out and land is so well wasted, that the city is so extensively sparse that it really doesn't draw much attention to itself. During the day we visited my friends at a HS Rugby match and guys from all over the east coast were there to share in a little southern hospitality with my friend and wonderful coach Ramon Villacura of the East Mecklenburg HS Rugby team. Later on that evening, the nightlife proved to be not so under 21 friendly either, as on Saturday night we looked for a good sports bar to watch the game but to no avail. We ended up at a bar called the Alley Cat and we tried to watch the UNC-DUKE game but they didn't
have on the sound. A little while later they did and we saw our team school Dook and Danny Green teabag dunk on G. Paulus. It was a great and an even better way to end the ACC (#1 ) and start March Madness. That was quite a moment but soon the game was over and my mom was calling me to come home. Man I sure do hate having a curfew every time I go back to Charlotte. I don't usually stay out late, but at least give me the freedom too. I am an adult, aren't I? Or is that just what the government wants me to think...

So on Sunday morning, after dropping my mom off at the airport for her Mexico adventure, Trevor and I departed for our Western NC Mountains adventure and our first stop was the dirty hippie loving town of Asheville. Actually it's not dirty (maybe the hippies) it's quite a beautiful city and on a Sunday morning as we found out, you can observe a very lazy and lax attitude amongst the city goers there. This picture shows the mountains way off in the distance and the groomed grid pattern that the whole of downtown is fashioned. We ventured around the highway for a bit to find places to shop and we also even found a shortcut through tunnel road to the shopping area that would have saved us a 12 mile mistake. I bought my own camping stove and some other minor gear and by about 2 pm we were off to find out way around to the Blue Ridge Parkway. Little did we know though, that the park service had something else planned for us.

The Blue Ridge was closed! I couldn't believe it when I saw it. My first instinct was to run through the barricades, but then I thought about the huge fines that may follow that move, so I decided then to try and find another way to my favorite place in the Blue Ridge. So Trevor and I made a detour through some little known mountain highways and as we were driving through, we saw signs to Cold Mountain. Our map which was extremely disproportional but at least reliable as to what roads met together, told us that a variety of side roads went up towards the mountain. As we quickly found out, these side roads really only consisted of random houses and trailers with unchained dogs looking wearily at us and ready to attack if we were to approach. So we decided, as the sun began to set, to make our way to the blue ridge and camp anywhere that was convenient. So at about 8 pm we arrived at the Cold Mountain overlook on the blue ridge near the 412 mile marker.

The sun was setting, the sky was flawless and I was really sad that we weren't on Black Balsam enjoying the limitless views. We made camp about a mile down the road at Wagon Road Gap Overlook.

I woke up at about 10:45 the next day, and I went down the trail about a mile and I found something that made my heart skip a beat - it was the Mountains to sea trail blazer!!! I thought that since the trail was so nearby, that our mountain would be too and Trevor and I cleaned up camp and made way towards the mountain. We decided it would be fun to take the trail so for about two to three miles we took the mountains to sea trail instead of the Blue Ridge.

We saw some left over ice from the weekend's storm that closed the parkway and we also realized that the trail was much longer then we thought. Yet it was such a beautiful day and the trail was so much more interesting then the road, with all of its views and the feeling of walking along a ridge line is unlike any other. But after two hours on the trail we got a bit scared and decided to head back to the road as soon as we saw sight of it. Well the good thing is, that we did find the road. The bad thing was that we had no idea how far away our goal was and we had NO idea if the Mountains to sea trail connected to where we wanted to go. I had a general idea that it did because it was traveling in that direction, but the only trail I knew for sure to go to Black Balsam was the Art Loeb Trail. After getting back to the road we were slowly and steadily gaining elevation. There were few breaks in the steady uphill course we were going because Black Balsam is at an elevation of 6214ft (1894 m) and we were coming from 4542ft (1384 m). As we trekked, there were many opportunities to absorb the surroundings.

After about 4 hours of walking, we grew weary and Trevor was telling me that it would be best to turn around now so we could get on the road to Florida. My spirit of adventure and my stubbornness to achieve my goal drove me on and I convinced him to at least go see what was around the bend in the road that was in front of us. We walked onward and the road began to steepen sharply. At around the sixth mile (mile marker 18) we saw at an elevation closely approaching 5000ft (1524 m) the reason why the parkway was still closed.

The Ice on the walls were very unstable and at night the water on the ground would freeze and cause hazardous conditions, thus I could understand now. We stopped parallel to this wall of ice before even reaching the bed because I saw the sun was setting quickly and my feet were KILLING me. I sat down in my crazy creek chair (thank goodness I brought it) for a while as Trevor threw rocks at the wall to see the Ice crash to the ground. I could see through the trees a waterfall, and I embraced the beauty of it all amidst my foul feelings for having to give up our goal. As we trekked back, I have to admit I felt very unfulfilled about not making it, and I hope I didn't make Trevor feel to bad. He can walk a lot faster then I can, and I kept getting frustrated that I was falling behind but I know that he wanted to get back to the car as badly as I wanted to. The walk back wasn't totally unforgiving though, the beautiful sunset that followed made opportunity of many photos that evening.

It was a great evening and we made it back to the car around 9pm. We started hiking about 2:30, so it took us 6.5 hours or so, with stops to rest and eat included to hike 12 miles. I don't think that is too bad at all. This marks the end of my journey to the mountains...

And the beginning of the long ride down to Jacksonville. It was really fun going down the twisty mountain bends and learning how to use the lower gears of the engine, but after leaving the mountains on I-26 the ride through SC and GA was so boring! I have determined that there is too much flat land in the south! Very boring scenically but it was also night time so that was taxing on the eyes. We made it to J-ville around 5 am and I spent the rest of the week with my family. I went fishing with my Uncle in the intracoastal, and that was tons of fun. I caught three whiting which I also had for dinner on friday night and I caught a blowfish and a baby Bonnethead shark! That was total luck because a little octopus was eating the bait on my line, and a shark happened upon the octopus and when the hook was caught in his mouth I thought I had a big one! Yet it was just a ferocious little shark, and I let him back into the water. On saturday night, I went to Jax and hung out with Trevor. We went to the County Dock and took int the sights and a very windy evening, and on sunday we left for Chapel Hill. That pretty much sums up my whole vacation, and I know that it was totally biased towards the first half of the trip, but what can I say, I am a sucker for nature!

On this reoccuring topic...

2008-03-02T23:56:00.003-05:00

There is nothing that relieves me more then when (in personal and life affecting matters) I can be sure that I am hearing the plain old unadulterated truth from those that I care enough to care about. Similarly, there is nothing that bothers me more then when someone lies to me. I just wish everyone that I explain it to would believe me that I would rather hear the nitty gritty truth then to be lied to and find out later.

Now, let's clarify some things: I respect the whole, don't ask don't tell policy. If I don't ask about something, and it has nothing to do with me, then I don't expect to hear about anything that doesn't involve me when it comes to personal matters... buuuuut, when I ask about something then I would expect to hear what really happened. That I think is a plain and simple matter. I hope it is not too hard to understand. I feel like few people believe me when I say that I get over things rather quickly and I avoid holding grudges - I avoid this by letting people know how I feel, when I feel it. I used to be abash, and shy, and never let someone know when I was bothered by something and etcetera, but I have learned that it is important for my mental health to relieve these daily stresses, or else I will explode - no, a better word would be to implode. So to my friends who I care about a lot - whether you or I like it or not, sometimes you come by things that you don't mean to come by, or you figure out things from little slips of the tongue - that is bound to happen - but when this is in the context of a fabrication, and when I personally recognize this as deceit it hurts me greatly. The daily toils of life don't hurt me as much as when people try to do what they think is best for you (through lying). This whole topic is controversial, but for me whenever a friend hides something or feels like they shouldn't be honest with me, they lose an ounce of my respect towards them. I currently feel like I would be better off without friends because of all they stress they cause me. But then they cause me great joy as well. It is a fight to the finish that only the strong can achieve, and I am a passionate and determined person, but I will only put up 50% of that fight, the other half comes from the 2nd hand of the relationship. So to my friend(s), please trust me when I say to you that I don't care about the things that you do, trust me that I will be ok, and trust that I will always expect you to be honest with me, and not hide things - but when you do, expect that I will not revere you as highly as I once did, and that trust and respect will be hard to regain.

On a lighter note,

I have been going to bed by about 1 am lately, because I am ridding myself of the habit of being up late nights (3 am type deals...) It's making me feel good, and I can wake up at a good hour without an alarm. Spring break (WOOO) is only a week away, and I can't wait to go on my adventure. Although now with it approaching, I really wish I could go into the forest alone, and be there with just my thoughts and the wind. I love my friend Trevor a bunch, and I am glad that we are going together, but a part of me wishes that I could partake on this journey alone. Maybe for a first time camping outside of a group, this is a good step forward. I've done some backpacking but its always been with at least four people. Spring break I hope with be loads of fun.

Also, I finished my book today!!! One of the books for ENST I just finished: YAY only 3 more to go! WOOT WOOT

Absolutely Serious

2008-02-23T00:07:00.004-05:00

The good, the bad, and the dirty.

I performed well on my Math exam and with that said I feel like I aught to celebrate some. I have realized that I have not been farther then a 1 mile radius of this campus for over a month. My friends complain about not being able to go anywhere or do whatever they want because they don't have a car, but I feel the opposite. I am very used to being in one place for an extended amount of time, but that is always remedied by my summer time excursions out into the wilderness.

The wilderness truly refreshes me on a level that I can not explain. I feel like, if I had no cares in the world - that is the home that I would choose for myself. Specifically the Sierra Nevada or maybe the Andes in Chile. Those two places are aesthetically two of my most favorite places that I have only been able to enjoy through pictures. I WILL GO one day when I can afford to.
I love the fresh smell of pine trees and earth minerals. I cherish the fact that I always manage to awaken with the sun, and sleep by the sizzles and crackling of a dieing camp fire. The instinctual fear that perpetuates my soul knowing that I am in the land of the free and the wild, brings a natural yet not overbearing fear inside of me, but I still feel safe and trust that I will awaken once again the next morning.
I have been reading Jack London these past few weeks. I have been making very slow progress on the book, particularly because I have so much other readings to complete, but soon I will finish White Fang. I just completed The call of the wild, I really liked it.

Shakedown at Crowders

2008-02-21T00:33:00.002-05:00

Its a really bad quality video of our Shakedown at Crowders when we were preparing for Philmont. Unfortunately, I waited almost a year to capture the footage from DV tape, and DV tape does not do well for storage...

Leer

2008-02-09T15:47:00.000-05:00

I don't know how many posts I have made where I talk about myself and my habit of procrastinating. This semester I have been on top of doing all of my assignments, especially in spanish, but I have not been keeping up with the reading. There is so much to read. Otherwise, things have been going well.
I am back in Rugby, and practices are so much more intense then when I played before. We potentially have three days of fitness, with a fridays for going over game plans and penalties, and then on saturdays we have our matches, so that is potentially 4 days of rigorous activity. That makes me excited.

¡Ehhh, vale!

Starting Afresh

2008-01-12T02:26:00.000-05:00

Here I am in a new semester, and my work ethic has never been this high before. I think last semester was a wake up call, especially since my overall gpa can only go but so high since i have been performing at less then my potential. With this desire to do more, I find myself not wanting to be around my friends as much. I know that when I am with them, I am much less productive, and I don't want to leave them when I am with them. So with that said, I don't see myself hanging out much with them at all this semester. Maybe just the occasional weekend, but it most definitely will be like last spring semester where I just saw them by and by. I was so excited to see all my friends after the long summer break, but I can't allow myself to not succeed academically. My profession here at Carolina, is to be a student. That is my profession, and it is a full time job.

Other wise, this semester sure has started off with a bang. I don't plan on skipping classes because I am too tired. Last semester I was very depressed over my gpa, but now that I have a little footing with my major, I have some more direction, that everything will fall into place and I can actually start to ENJOY my classes. It is looking to be a bright semester. I am confident in myself and I feel great.

A mood settles within

2007-12-28T00:00:00.000-05:00

I am in a mood. A feeling of ineptitude wraps my heart. I tell myself I can do what ever I want. Maybe it is true, but my concious (reading the language of my body) tells me that I am wrong. I can feed to myself idyllic thoughts of conquering whatever may lie in my path (goals, dreams, ambitions) but the reality is that I may not be able to do all even though I seek to. A dire fight between what can be and what is, is continuoally ravaging my mind...

Never ending. It has always been eversince I realised what was going on.

I tell myself "Ah, what a short life I have lived, and what a short life this will be. I am young for only so much time, I might as well do it all now, while I still can."

I know in my head that you are as young as you feel, but in the world I live in, there are a thousand others who would vigorously contend me, pulling me away from my beliefs and casting theirs upon my brow. What am I to do? I can't go on ignoring their calls for ever. I can't continue to politely smile and nod, then go about my own deeds for all my life. Should I stand up and proclaim my thoughts, or idly stand by and let them do as they wish? Most people will succomb, and they will flow down the river of society. But I, no, I am the rock in the river - unmoving yet being slowly and surely eroded by the river of society... I will soon be nothing... but while I still am I can still believe.

I can still hope.

Spasms of the Rambling mind

2007-12-17T23:08:00.000-05:00

Ramblings is a very popular word nowadays. " Ramble Ramble Ramble Rambobble, Rambizzle, Ramalicious, Rammy Rammy Roooooo..."

"Phew, my head hurts."

Being back home is depressing.

School this semester was the worst. Seems like most everyone I knew had a bad semester, except for those damned comm majors and their "easy" classes, or so I have heard. If Trevor is any testament to the rigorousness of the Comm classes, then some are hard and others leave time for him to be real bored all semester. With that said, My semesters have left me far from bored. They have left me swamped in endless chapters of reading that is "recommended". Hundreds and I mean HUNDREDS of unsolved Chemistry problems. Not so much essay writing, which makes me happy, but plenty of math, and math once again is not my forte.

Life at home is painstakingly uneventful. Almost to the point where it makes me want to pull out all of my hair. There is a dog that doesn't like me, and two birds that just wont stop squacking. I am two animals short of a farm, and there is no entertainment here. I keep waking up so late in the afternoon for no good reason, and it bothers me because I want to have a full day to look forward to, but there is nothing to look forward to during the course of the day. Probably just dinner at home with my mom. If we woke up early enough together, I bet we could have breakfast too.

I want to go on a wilderness adventure. Sunday I saw "Into The Wild" and it made me feel nostalgic, I want to sink myself back into my element once again. Maybe even go snowboarding, now that would be awesome. I don't see it happening this winter though, I don't think I will encounter anyone that would like to go with me, or have me tag along. Thus I am pretty much just at home all break. I think Daron may have it worse then me though because she is stuck at home, then when she returns she is stuck at Duke. Eww.

I downloaded an application to be an instructor for NCOBS but they unfortunately only hire persons 21 or older. That though gives me time to get the appropriate training (WFR, and Rock Climbing Instructor) and certifications to give me the edge on the application. I need a job, and I would love for it to be doing what I love to do - nature.

I am Majoring for sure in Environmental Studies. My good friend Liza majored in it as well, and she has had lots of internship and traveling opportunities which makes me oh so very excited!!!
I saw her one last time before she graduated at her end of semester graduation party. She graduated this past Sunday, I wish I could have gone to her ceremony, but I had no where to stay (with all my luggage) in Chapel Hill and no definite ride back home. I wish her the best of luck.

Into the Wild. I enjoyed that movie so much, and even though the ending is not what most people would want to happen, it was a true story of this young man who believed entirely in his stand about the world and for that he has my respect. Most would have said that he went of recklessly into the wild, I know for sure that is my mother's opinion, but to be honest I have felt that way time and time again. It is no stranger to my mind, the idea of leaving most all my material possessions behind and living how people used to live thousands of years ago. If it could be done then, why can it not be done now? It's not so impossible to hunt for the food you need, to build shelter with just the right amount of materials to get you by, and to live your life day by day resourcefully and wholly.

Other wise, I need to find the time and the motivation to start manipulating the freeware source code for the flash page I want to create for our Rugby team. Its going to be so awesome and fancy. I think they will love it. I really do. With that said, I need to start learning Flash and HTML again. It has been a while since I have dealt with it.

Next Sunday I look forward to going to the Body Worlds exhibit. They say you can not take pictures but I bet I will sneak a few in. Now that is something to look forward to.

Ramblings of the influenced mind.

2007-12-11T00:04:00.000-05:00

Things that I have said while I was under the influence one crazy night. Recorded by my good friend Margarita:

Because Trevor is like, “You’re a hobag,” and you’re like, “You’re a hobag to the third root.”

But don’t write about me or Davis, or about Juan or Daron, or about you or yourself.

[Ankit] looked like dogshit. He looked like cat litter out the ass, all cooked up and shit.

You have confidence, and she has beauty, and together you have confidence-beauty.

I’m like, “Fuck you, Margarita. You could wear chocolate pudding, and you’re still hot.”….. I bet you’d be hot wearing glow-in-the-dark jelly.

Because it’s all disconnected and it’s all connected, and nothing’s real.

She’s writing my quotes! You know what, you’re gonna have to pay me royalties.

If the sun is not blue and Trevor is not gay, then you are a douchebag.

Something I have realized

2007-12-07T01:32:00.000-05:00

There is nothing short about my blog.

I have made 60 posts in the past year... It is definitely not a lot but enough to keep it interesting. I have made enough posts to have an average greater then one post per week and one post every day for two months. I think that is a pretty healthy number of posts.

It is that time of the year again -- Finals. Ugh, it is the worst time of the year. It have to prove my self academically now. I wish that the teaching methods used in class were more personal. That every student got a chance to meet the professor and work with the TA's. That way grades wouldn't be based on what most of the people in class get, but the growth academically that you have made in the class. That sort of effort can be evaluated and weighed in to he students grade. Otherwise, just being lectured at and going off of every persons individual initiative will make curving necessary always.

I am ready to get these tests over with and to go home and learn CSS. To work on the women's rugby new website, and to relax and look at the semester ahead of me.

A Book

2007-11-13T16:25:00.000-05:00

Walking through the Bulls Head Bookshop today, hoping to find a book or two at bargain prices, I first stopped and sat down with two copies of what I thought were seperate books by "Borat Sagdiyev" It was apparent to me, after I did a little more exploration that it was two books in one, where the sides alternated and you just flip the book over and upside down and you have a whole different novel. I am glad that I just spent some leisure time reading it because I saw that the bookl was not worthwhile to purchase, but a mere novely. A very good spoof gift to an avid reader, or maybe just for someone who loves Borat. Then as I peered more deeply into the store, I found a small little handsized green book. I had to pick it up because it was small, and I love miniature things. I picked it up and flipped through the pages. They were thin and flexible, the book felt comfortable in my hands and when I read it and just from popping open the book to some random chapter inside the language was intriguing and immediately I sat down to take a look at the novel. I instantly just fell inlove with the book, and I decided that I would buy it. $6.39 for a hardback edition of Thomas Hardy's " Far from the Madding Crowd".

Currently I have been reading the book one chapter every evening. They are quite short. I have been enjoying it very much!

¡Ciao!

The best luck ever.

2007-11-03T19:33:00.000-04:00

Talk about Karma...

So on H-O-WEEN my friends and I did not have the best of luck. Last year I tried the infamous party drink (PJ) and I threw up and felt horrible the next morning. So I decided that I would never drink that stuff again. Then over a year later, my friend Michele and Trevor decided that PJ would be a great drink for Halloween, I told him that PJ is death in a bucket and that I wan't touching that stuff. I truly had chills up my spine when I saw them bring in the bottle of everclear. That stuff is 95% grain alcohol. It smells like the rubbing alcohol you use to clean cuts with and a small amount of that stuff will get you drunk in no time. So, Tbear pours about 1/2 the bottle into the Juice concoction and I told him that it was already way too much, and that we have used enough for the amount of juice we had in the tin. Then a few minutes later he decides to pour the other half of the PJ, and I was said : "NOOOOOO! That is too much, there is no way I am drinking that shit" Trevor was sitting there laughing at me...

After he poured all the Everclear in, I tasted it and it tasted like pink death. It was horrible, and there was no way I would be drinking that stuff. So then most everyone else began to drink it and some people were like me and could taste how strong it was, but I think the others who thought it was not strong at all were already a bit drunk and their taste buds not as effective. So basically what happened after that was that two of my friends got shitfaced, and they were puking all over the bathroom stalls when we got them inside, and we never made it to Franklin street, the whole point of dressing up on Halloween at my school is to go to Franklin St. So that is the end of the bad luck, good luck coming stage right.

Good luck Streak:

Thursday morning after a rough night taking care of my friends, I was very tired and pitiful looking as I sat in the pit from about 10:30 am until 12:15 pm waiting for my advising appointment at 12:30. I was approached by two girls named Ginger and Denise, they told me that they were going around meeting people randomly. I thought that was pretty cool and I had nothing else to get done so I talked with them and made acquaintences. Then I went to my advising appt, which by the way, that lady was amazing! She helped me soooooo much, I wish I could always have her as my advisor...

Then I was hungry, so I went back to the pit to get some lunch and I realised that my wallet was gone! I went to check my email and it seems like I lost my wallet about an hour past when I was in the pit, and it was returned to the Onecard office on campus! I was soo happy that someone returned it.

Friday morning I awoke from a horrible dream, so I guess that was the bad part of my morning.
Friday afternoon went off without a hitch, and I even ran a 5k with my friends Marge, Trevor and Davis. I am practicing for the Turkey Trott on the 18th. So then I wanted to go the Yogurt Pump on Franklin and I put my wallet in my pocket and I was riding up to the store and when I got there and parked my bike, I felt my pocket and saw that my wallet was gone. I was very upset because I had just lost it the day before. So I searched the exact same path three times and by the end I was in tears because I was so sure that some Hobo or sketchy person would pick up my wallet and steal my Visa CC and SS card and the other personal things in my wallet. So I finally just made a report with the Chapel Hill Police and DPS and I called my mom to let her know what happened. Then I got to my room at about 11:50 that evening and I got a facebook message from some stranger. Her name was Sarah and she facebooked me to tell me she found my wallet on FRANKLIN!

My heart leapt with joy!!!!

I went to the campus directory to see where she lived and I rode my bike as fast as I could to Kenan to meet up with Margarita so she would come with me to Granville Towers(where it said she lived) so I could stop by her room and hopefully meet up with her. So I get there and there is a fellow standing next to the information desk who I believe worked there but was not on duty, and I was asking the guy behind the desk if I could try and visit the room of the girl who found my wallet. Then the guy standing next to the desk asked me what was her name, and I said her name and he replied, " I am hanging out with ____ right now!, let me give her a call to let you know you are here". So Sarah arrives, and she tells me that she actually doesn't live at Granville anymore, but off campus, and that I was really lucky to run into her friend. She was out and about at the time, so we agreed to meet the next day at the football game and today I got my wallet back!

I mean, it was so great that a student found it, and even better that I was able to meet her and thank her for her good service.

I am so thankful.

One More Again

2007-10-26T16:04:00.000-04:00

Another Chemistry test this morning. Margarita and I were late so we had to run to class, which made us even more disheveled, but we got there just as they were about to finish passing out the exams. Or at least I was disheveled, I can't talk for Marge. I didn't get to finish the exam, this time only two unanswered questions. I practiced so many equations for this test, so I hope that my effort put out some sort of reward. I really need to do better on this test.

My brain feels so tired. Chemistry is very demanding of me, and I have to work extra hard to keep up with it. It doesn't just click in my head, because of all the math, and I have never been good at math. I am learning new things about math today because of Chemistry. But then my math class that I am in just keeps getting more and more complicated. Spanish I am doing well in. Maybe language is my thing. Maybe I should face up and realize be ok with the fact that I am not logical methodical, nor numbers kind of person. If this is the case, then I have been wasting away my credits taking science courses. Like 9 hours of credit so far. I have to choose a major soon, and tomorrow I have to register for classes. I was thinking that I should major in psychology. I did like psychology when I was in AP, and maybe that will prove to be my thing... I am not sure. Everything is so unsure. I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE sometimes.

Why do people cheat?

2007-10-24T14:44:00.001-04:00

What an age old question...

There is not simply one fix all answer. There is a great spectrum of reasons, in which they can all mesh together to produce a general idea of an answer. A description of the complexity of human relations. A view into the difficulties of feeling fulfilled and satisfied with yourself, and your partner. Something of great importance to myself, for my future.

Just 20 reasons why people cheat: there are MANY out there

SEX
Loneliness
Power
Invigorate youthful feelings
Dissatisfaction with a bad marriage/relationship
To avoid problems in the relationship, an easier way to deal with it
Childhood pre-exposure (makes someone more likely to cheat, because their parent(s) did.)
Satisfy an EGO/Self Esteem
Lack of Communication, loss of intimacy
Emotional Emptiness
Physical (needs not being met)
The thrill of falling in love again
Adventure of dangerous or forbidden sex
Selfishness
Fear of Intimacy, or commitment
Darwinian explanation: to spread their seeds (which, unfortunately with the human conscience, is not a totally valid explanation.)
Desire to have more than one lover
To maintain that feeling of invulnerability
Revenge
To feel loved

1. Sex:
People who cheat for just sex, do not have the maturity to be involved in a stable and monogamous relationship. These folks take the intimacy out of love making, and it becomes a mode of pleasure instead. Sex is unemotional, and automatic, just a thing to do, a way to bring satisfaction to one's sexual desires.

2. Loneliness
You would think that feelings of loneliness would be the most contrary reason for cheating in a relationship. If the spouse is constantly away from home, or is a very distant person, and the fire in the relationship is lost, then this can be a very real outcome and explanation for infidelity.

3. Power
Typically people who cheat to gain a sense of power, feel that being intimate with one person, and making commitments and compromises makes them lose power. So keeping impermanent relationships in which the cheater has all the power to end the relationship at their whim gives them a great sense of invulnerability.

4. Invigorate Youthful Feelings
This is typical of the middle aged, or older person, who has in their minds, past their prime and search for that new youthful relationship to reinvigorate youthful feelings in their life/mentality. A new relationship is indeed fresh and exciting, but the stagnate and stereotypical reminder that aging = old and unattractiveness, is a notion that really needs to dispel, because it is not true in the person who does not allow themselves to adhere to that train of thought.

5. Dissatisfaction with a bad relationship/marriage
Too often, people find refuge in the "other" instead of facing the problem at hand with their partner. It is much easier to run and escape the problem temporarily, then to attack the path less traveled and fix the problems or unmet needs in the relationships.

6. To avoid problems in the relationship
Very similar to #5, running away from their relationship problems by starting a new, is a sort of temporary world to live happily and blissfully in instead of working out the original problems at hand. This situation tends to be one that renews itself when the old affair grows stale or no longer serves the purpose. An even worse case is that no matter what, the cheater can always have the reassurance of their partner, especially if the problem is only with one person and the partner has no clue that there is something wrong.

7. Childhood pre-exposure
Children who were exposed to parent(s) who did not have functional relationships, just like rearing habits, are also more likely to follow the same relationship patterns as their parents, either mildly or totally. Children who had fathers or mothers who ran from/cheated in relationships can be more likely to handle their own in the same way when trouble rears its ugly head.

8. Satisfy an EGO
Flattering comments, the need to feel validated sexually, a way of judging your own self worth by how many relationships or love partners you have had in life. Simply put, a silly reason for cheating, because this is a totally avoidable reason in my opinion, the reason of a weak person for cheating, or in more unfortunate cases, the reason for the person with low self esteem.

9. Lack of Communication, Loss of intimacy
Following the decrease in communication between couples, comes the loss of intimacy in the relationship. The initiative for sharing feelings and the sense of urgency that accompanies caring for your significant other can diminish if the communication that facilitates these activities is cut off. Couples who no longer know, and do not try to know what they need in their relationship, can ultimately find themselves satisfying these needs for someone else.

10. Emotional Emptiness
If emotionally one partner is not getting the love and care that they need, then this can be very damaging to the relationship because then the person that is hurt is no longer willing to stay with confidence in the relationship because they are being hurt in one of the most deep and innate ways. Thus cheating faultily fixes this problems because emotional arousal is a key ingredient in a new affair.

11. Physical needs not being met
Maybe the sex has become boring, or isn't adventurous enough, and possibly this other person is doing everything right, and then some. In this case, if the cheater does not bring it to the attention to their partner first, or no effort was made to try and fix the problem, then this reason can be a very easily fixed one.

12. The thrill of falling in love again
That process can be an intoxicating occurrence, and quite possibly an addictive one. That great electrifying feeling of the first kiss, the passionate first love making session, and of course the thrilling secrecy of it all may be enough to make cheating a sort of "adrenaline junky" type sport, although it may be more appropriate to say "enamor junky".

13. Adventure of dangerous or forbidden sex.
Just like the cleptomaniac who steals helplessly, you may encounter the kind who f*ck endlessly! No, seriously though, the thrill of the new romance is enough to keep a steady pattern of cheating. Especially if it is used as a remedy to particularly uneventful periods in one's life, as a way to spice up the old routine.

14. Selfishness
This one, in my opinion, has to be the worst of them all. To want to cheat because you just can't get enough, and you have not a care in the world for how your partner may feel. What an ass the person who uses this explanation.

15. Fear of intimacy of commitment
Cheating will be a great way to recycle those first early stages of falling in love, and for the person who is not in a long term relationship, can foster the environment necessary to stave off those feelings of intimacy and the binds of commitment.

16. Darwinian explanation
For the human species to spread their seeds. While biological processes like breathing and blinking are involuntary, and even the fight or flight response that describes the adrenaline rush when one is in danger, it has not ultimately been proven that the need (not desire) to have multiple partners despite being monogamous beings is a necessity indeed, because humans have a conscience and morals and all those other societal impediments that are meant to discourage cheating in general.

17. Desire to have more than one lover
That is pretty simple no? Like the mormans.

18. To maintain the feeling of invulnerability
If the cheater has all the power to begin and end the relationship as he/she pleases, then a feeling of being untouchable accompanies the whole process of cheating.

19. Revenge
One cheated, and then the other cheats out of spite. Simply put. Could be jealousy, or an ill fitting way to teach justice... "An eye for an eye" as the old cliché goes.

20. To feel loved
Sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons, and the relationship may stay intact for religious reasons (like forbidden to get a divorce), arranged marriages, children are involved, and quite possibly that lust or infatuation were mistaken for love, and in all reality the cheater does not feel loved so they seek it in another. Or maybe the loving intimate feelings have dissipated.

I am sure there are many reasons why people cheat, but is it entirely wrong? Is cheating really all so bad and horrible as people who have lost over it describe? Maybe it really is. The fact of the matter is that it all depends individually on each independent union, in which the agreements and circumstances of the relationship, and the compromises made will determine whether or not having outside relationships are good or bad, and what reasons are valid or if there are no exceptions to the rule. That is the bottom line.

¡Ciao!

State Park of the Week

2007-10-16T16:23:00.000-04:00

The mountains of North Carolina are not the highest in the world, nor the most difficult, but their ancient majesty will be enough to satisfy the weekend hunger of any camping enthusiast of any skill level. This dramatic rise 1400 ft above the surrounding elevation is a great place to take a weekend hiking trip, and most of all it is fall in the piedmont meaning beautiful leaf colorings are emerging all over the Tarheel state. ENJOY!