At peace

Well, almost.

I have been walking around all week looking like the crazy cat lady who could care less about what the world thinks of her because she is to busy in her own fantasy world. Except in my fantasy world, it had nothing to do with endless fields of catnip and frizzy hair...

I have been contemplating the last post, the feelings that went into it, and what it means to me and my future relationships. It's a hard job -- thinking that is. You spend about as much energy critically thinking or worrying as you do when you take a brisk walk.

I'm to young to say that I have a conclusive anything, but I am definitely on my way there. I most certainly decided that it is a good thing for me, that people are in one relationship at a time, and that I do not care how many different people one has ever been with - as long as you are not diseased and are faithful to us during the time that we are together, I have no complaints.

So that also means that I would not like to be in the middle of a bad relationship, which is a good thing for myself.

Yes, that also means, that I would one day like to make a commitment with someone, and be married.

So, that makes what I am comfortable stating now. If I change my mind, I will be sure to say why, and what.

So, back walking around like a crazy lady. I have truly been talking to myself. I would rather say, thinking out loud. Please don't be afraid, I never answered my own questions. They came to me in dreams...

.
..
...
....
.....

NOT!

Yea I answered my questions too, but not out loud. It was sort of a battle between what my conscience wanted me to know and what it wanted me to forget or ignore, because the truth in my eyes tends to be shocking, repulsive, blatant, or all three at the same time.

Never comforting...

I also decided that no matter what a person does, you can always forgive them. It's very hard depending on the circumstances, but you can. It may take a week, a month, or years, but I know, that I am capable always. I hope that doesn't come back and bite me in the arse.

From a piece of information that was oh so slenderly hidden from my view, I literally saw a shell of myself from the past year or so, in which I saw a naive and blinded former me. It's not that I was stupid, but sometimes like many people, we let love blind our judgement. Selfishness also, can bias a decision as well. I am free from feeling like my decisions were inevitable, now that I am informed, I can make decisions that I won't feel I was tricked into, nor regret. The more I know, the better I will understand why I make a decision, and be totally comfortable in it.


But no matter how much I discover or realize I am still reminded that:

I am just so young, and I know it.

It's depressing. I feel like my inexperience holds me back. Thus I seek "to do" for the sake of doing. ''To learn" for the sake of learning. But I did not choose "to be" for the sake of being. That is something I don't know if I will ever have a purpose for.

Yet I learned that I am not here for others... We are here together, but I am no one's purpose, no one's savior, no one's answer. I am just here, and I run into you, and we are parallel for a while, maybe we tangent, maybe we merge, maybe we make 90 degrees and go separate ways. I usually hope for the parallel route because I like the people I meet and make friends and decide that I want to be a part of my life, but I have no sole control over that.

I can only hope.

Puedo esperar solamente.

Read more...

Monogamy

Warning -- you are about to read a rant from the thought process of a crazed mind... prepare for tangents and things you just won't understand because you are not in my head... and possibly because I did not explain myself well enough.


Is it really all it's cracked up to be?


That is a question that I find myself debating left and right. Ideally, to my superego, it would be a fairy tale dream that I would find my knight in shining armor who would woo me away to a life of bliss and utter pleasure, to build a future together, to have one another for support always, to be in harmony.

Then, there is the id in me that says, "To hell with that concept.". Quite literally. It is just a concept. Simply a moral boundary set within the parameters of human culture. It is wide spread the thought, but there are existences that find polygamy just as useful, and then there are those rebels that choose to never settle down, and of course you can't forget the eunuchs...

I don't find my conscience in none of the above listed categories, at least not yet. I have yet to make a decision, but my ego has been told by my culture that monogamy is a really great thing. Do you know how hard it is to become "one flesh"... Extremely hard from what I can see.

How does this relate to others?

I wish I could have a real representation of how well relationships work so that I could share with everyone who wants it away to be successful with your love. From my own experience, from my family, from my friends, from my observances of the world at large(in which I have been for just a mere fraction of a blink in the eyes of time)... I can suppose that only a fraction relationships are enduring ; yes with their problems, but still enduring with great success... Other than that, in my own observance, I have heard dilemma from all around. In college alone, there are so many trivial bullshit relationships that people stress over and wear them selves out from. But I feel that maybe this prepares them for the real bullshit that comes when you decide to become "one flesh" with someone else. To make that real commitment. Then there is the extra trouble of maintaining monogamy (if you both so chose to) and keeping everything in it balanced. Making a life is so tough, I have seen that it is no easy task. I have seen them fall apart unfortunately, I have seen them in the process of falling apart, and I have second handedly experienced from the example of my own parents, how hard it is to move away from someone you thought you truly loved once the relationship has been ended...

My father has not been able to move on, be he is a totally different rant.(Next time, but not in this rant)...

Continuing,

But these things happen... I know, I know, you want to look away now because he comes reality.

Let's begin with a question: Where do these problems arise from? (Monogamous perspective)

Is it from greediness? Or is it simply just a stage in life that so many people go through -- like the infamous "Mid-life crisis"?

Is just a statistical truth, like a balance in the universe which is all spread across the standard bell curve, in which the middle deviation are those that have been through multiple relationships, one or more deviations to the right are people who have been successfully monogamous and true to their spouses in reflection the Christian vows taken during marriage, and one or more standard deviations to the left represent those people who are in a monogamous relationship but seek extramarital relief or are single and never bound to be settled down.

Just like we can not explain love, we probably will never be able to pinpoint why love can seemingly fall apart... Oh wait, but isn't there the possibility that it then was not love???

Who knows...


On another thought:

Can you still love one person even though you are "making love" to others? Some would not even call it love making, it would just be sex. Love making is commonly seen as reserved for those who actually do love one another. Love making is not simply when you share your body with another person.

So that can be a tough question for me... I can't find a conclusive answer to it either.

Not.

I myself know that I would not waste my emotional energy, and effort in just having sex for the sake of pleasure. Yes, I bet it feels great, yes I know that the process of being intimate with someone makes you feel in a state of bliss almost. It's just you and them, no other concern in the world for that brief hour or so. And then you are back to reality.

Making love for me would require a commitment. What are they? I don't know yet. When I am more experienced, I will let y'all know.

My feelings:

My ego says that I want to have one love.

My superego says that I will have only one love ever in my life.

My ego is more realistic, so I said to hell with my super ego. I know that I could find compatible people. But the love part is trickier.

My id, desires that I just seek what I want and need at the deepest levels. Not even a Selfish based satisfaction, but more on the accord of disregard to others, inconsiderate to the feelings of them all. Not really caring about what may happen next. As long I am satisfied in the now, then I'm ok.

I can't do that, so I thus I conclude that I have moderate control over my id.

If I felt that I had a such a problem with love and monogamy, and I felt that I needed to fix my problem by avoiding the cause of it and instead doing what all other people do -- satisfy themselves in a self defeating fashion, usually termed an addiction, sometimes an obsession, and other times simply denoted as the accepted (by the individual) inability to be satisfied... like a perfectionist.

then I would need to hypothetically be able to "look from the outside in" at myself, and determine that I need to confront the cause(s) and not just remedy the problem. Sometimes the problem has no solution, so then you must go and determine that the cause is undefined...

what kind of bullshit am I talking now? I hope this is not incoherent. I have so much to say, this is just my brain talking away... that last clause was total bs...

well I think I am done for now. Yes it is unfinished, and for good reason. I need not worry about this at the moment.

Read more...

State Park of the week

South Mountain state Park

Beautiful Piedmont area woodlands. North of Crowders mountain by about 25 miles, this state park is a throw and a skip away from the hustle and bustle of Charlotte, NC. Beautiful autumn leaves dance on the dusty trails, and obviously it's an old folk hot spot... just kidding.

It is a nice place to hike, and enjoy the earth, without all the strain of something like the AT or the preparation of real backwoods hiking.

Read more...

Try after Try

Really Great Carolina Rugby!

Read more...

Two weeks!

BLAH!!!

GAHHH!!

I am almost finished with my first year of College! UNC by the way...

I am in Davis preparing sort of for a math test...

--

Read more...

State park of the week

William B Umstead State Park.

I have been to this park before, and It is a great place to have a lunch out on the trail or to walk/run/bike for recreation. It has a nice private woods element to it, but it is in no way a remote outdoors heaven. The paths are quite beaten, and many of them are bike paths / roads that commuters use to access the north to south ends of the park since it is markedly much longer than it is wide.It is like a natural retreat out of the cityscape, because it is just west of Raleigh and it is directly adjacent to the RDU airport... It is also a nice bike ride if you want an earth friendly way to get there. I rode from chapel hill two weeks ago, its only about 27 miles, and although my quads were killing me by the end of the day, it was a wonderful trip, and I would do it again, just not alone...

They also give all sorts of lessons and shows ranging from orienteering to wild life watching to star gazing from the friendly and knowledgeable Rangers that work there. So go give Willy B a few hours of your life, you won't regret it.

Read more...

Alumni weekend

This weekend was the UNCWRFC Alumni weekend, in which all the undergrad players hangout and get to know all the alumnus who played from 1 year ago up to ten years ago. It was a nice experience to see all the old ladies come drink and conversate with all these young people, and see them in their element again... a little bit weird to see 27 and 28 extremely as well.

So, I appointed myself the official historian for the event. It gave my little Sony handycam quite the workout. I was avoiding flying chunks of construction grade mud being flung from half conscious college girls going at it until the staged fights were over. The fights were staged because of the simple fact that drunken people will not give up (especially wrestling) fighting until they are restrained to the point of exhaustion or black out... which are both basically the same thing except in different forms. So for safety reasons, they decided who would be the winner first. Thank goodness that the girls did not forget this simple fact, because sometimes they were going at it almost like it was a real fight... I am sure some of those girls have bruises. Look to youtube to find a video of it someday... but it may be privatized just because I don't want the whole world (UNC specifically) to find out about this... it was sort of "banded" as a fundraiser event three years ago, because they felt that it was degrading towards women, but it's women themselves who wanted to do this, for a good cause... Thus we continue to do this as a fund raiser, because it is the largest fundraiser of the year... 900 dollars in two hours! That is simply awesome. I approve any day. As long as the girls want to do it.

Yet, other than me doing my thing with my camera, it was not such an exciting event for me. I am not a heavy drinker, a dirty dancer nor a flirtatious type of person (at least I don't think so). So, most all the time I am standing around listening to other people talk and no one really finding any interest in me. No one comes up to me and makes a conversation, it is far to often that I find myself standing around the other girls trying to get into what they are talking about, but I have never done any of that crazy shit, and I don't plan on it either. I don't plan on getting randoms any day of the week, going to an exam half drunk, nor do I plan on having so much drama in my life, thus I don't relate so well to the daily life of the girls and maybe that explains why I am not such "good friends" with them. :( I wish things were different but there is nothing of myself that I am going to change to make that any different, because to me those differences are demeaning and self defeating.

Ok so that rant is over...

This weekend is 4/20, and T-bear and Mrg. want to go have some fun. I don't think I will be up to it because my friend R is supposed to be coming to Chapel Hill for a rugby match, and I look forward to seeing the game (E.M.RFC) and to see my friend too.

I have been feeling bad again. I just want to go home, I am tired of school for the most part. I feel so far away from everything that I care about, and want to be involved in, and in the know with. My friend CV is still holding on to those bad feelings from our argument. It's not so much that she has a leg to stand on, or diginity to be saved... it's more that she wasn't pitied over, nor was she grobbled towards for forgiveness, and since this didn't turn out ideally for her, she is just holding on to that bad feeling, maybe thinking that I am going to beg her to please stop... but no, if she wants to feel bad, and have a grudge over something that she could learn from instead of stay put and not grow from, then that shall pass. I just hope that when I go home, and I see her, that then maybe she will confront me, because she has once again ignored me on facebook, not answering my response.

Read more...