the procrastinator

0h, my god...

well, I can say that with utmost faith, because my god is mine... and no one else's, in the sense that maybe no one has the same idea about god as i do, because i do not want to join a group where everyone tries to grasp the same understanding about a god that they do not understand in the first place, but let me stop getting off on a tangent...

i am a procrastinator. I have told my self time and time again, but I know i am not in denial, i just can't get over it. It is like a bad habit, that I don't feel the urgency to get rid of, but i still reap the consequences of, and it still does not motivate me. I am late for class, I even miss my 12:30 class, and thats basically my only class on that day! I SUCK!!!!! For real, I know i am not trying hard enough, but i truly do not feel motivated and i feel like i just accept that, and it kills my spirit to then start and try again. I have tried many a time to start afresh, but the longer it takes me the further behind i get, and i try to comfort myself with pretending that i try hard, but i really dont. i am so used to not trying hard, that now when i need to, i do not step up to the plate, and i know that my laziness is going to nip me in the ass in the future. I really want some help! but i dont know where to get it, where to begin. I feel like if i had a friend that i could hang out with everyday would help me to focus... but i have not found anyone that i could hang out with. I did find one really good friend, but our schedules are soo conflicting that we can only hang out every once in a while. I have more motivation to write this message than i do to finish my lab report for chem lab due tomorrow at 12:00. now, I must say, that I have been on the ball with most of my work, the only class that I know i am sucking at is chemistry. i like it so much, and when i figure out a problem that i have been working on, i get such a feeling of accomplishment, but in the end, i can not work fast enough and long enough to actually get a grip on the loads of information that i am taking in all in one semester... ugh, i just feel like doing nothing, being nothing, nothing. i didnt go to practice today, because i felt like nothing. nothing useful, nothing worthy, like even if i didnt go, its ok, because i dont really make all that much difference. grr, why do i feel this way? I really want to fix my rut, and to get back into a routine. i do not have a routine, i am all over the place, with class inbetween... it should be something different, where i have a routine and class is a part of it, so that i can stop wasting so much time. Gah~ i have only one life to live before i return to the cosmic dust from whence i came.

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Rugby practice

Shiver shiver shiver, and my hands felt like they were going to turn to stone. That's how I felt about tonights practice. The most valuable thing I gained from practice were two things: When the defense comes at you in a flat line, you penetrate to a single point and ruck through, and when the defense is clustered or concentrated, you attack the cluster and your support goes out wide for the pass. The moment I left my dorm to go to practice is when the heavens decides it is a good time to start pouring rain. The rain lasted the entire practice, and as soon as we could leave to go home, the rain stopped! WTF!!! So, I had a nice freezing time. I just hope that next practice will be better. Thats all I ask for.

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Philmont Scout Ranch Expedition

I am so excited about an expedition that I will have the chance to attend this summer in July. It is twelve days, with my great friends/advisors Ramon and Niti, and my best friend Catalina. We are going to Cimarron, NM in the Sangre de Cristo Mountain range. Check out the little flyer I made.

We are planning on horse back riding, camping, hiking, climbing, and maybe to extend the trip into a council wide super activity and spend a few extra days traveling around the New Mexico/Colorado area and go white water rafting and touring around the area. I say it all sounds absolutely fabulous, and I can not wait until July this summer.

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Rude people

The world is not a friendly place, but I hate it when people are rude for no specific justifiable reason. Today when I was in the library there was a girl stapling her papers. She was using the only stapler in the room, and was taking her sweet time to staple the papers together. She took at least about 10 seconds between stapling each stack of papers, so I figured I would just really quickly use the stapler while she took a break during one of the intervals. I grabbed the stapler and quickly stapled one in my paper, and as I was about to put it down she turns and gives me the nastiest look ever, so bad that I don't even remember what she looked like, just the bad feeling energy she transfered from her to me. It was not her stapler, and she was not using it at the moment, thus for those ten seconds it was once again public property. Also, I emailed a friend to ask them a question, and I know this guy checks his email atleast every 5 minutes, so I know he received my email. He has a bad habit of not answering my emails for some self justified reason of his own, but I waited more than an hour for a reply, so I sent another email telling him that I was still waiting for a reply. SO Then within 20 minutes he sends it back to me, giving me the information that I asked for and telling me to stop bothering him! If he would not have been so ignorant, and just sent me the first time I asked, then there wouldn't have been this frustrated post by me. I am just so pissed off when people are like this. They get mad for no reason, and you know what, it just makes me more upset with them, and thats when I become difficult and and unfriendly - exactly what I don't want to be. So this is for all you people who do stupid things for even stupider reasons - take this and shove it up yours!

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Mamá y Abuelo

It's been a long time since I have been a little girl living in my grandparents home, but forever they will always be like parents to me. More than just your grandma and grandpa because they took care of me ever since i was in diapers. I left them for North Carolina when I was in the 5th grade, but I never relinquished the parental bond that we had. Now being in college, 18 years young, and being so far away from all my family just makes that innate yet learned bond with them even more near and dear to my heart. I can never call them without crying because I love and miss them so much. I can't explain why exactly the feelings well up inside every time they tell me they love me, and thank me for calling, but they do. I just cherish every time I do talk to them, or see them, because unfortunately you never know when will be the last time. Especially with them being so much older than me, I just hate it, I wish I didn't have to deal with that aspect of life, but it will come one day for all of us. So, this one is for them, for mamá y abuelo. Mamá said that " You are my heart". I love you both so much!

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Going

I want to seek adventure. I want to one day go to the edge of life. Where is the edge of life? Where may that be? I have no idea where it may be lying in a definitive sense, but I know for sure that it is in the realm of the wild untamed wilderness. I want to go there. I want to climb the highest mountain, to look at the seemingly never ending array of stars on a clear cloudless night. I love to look up at the stars. They give me hope, that there lies possibly something more meaningful out there than what we have here on earth. The last time that I got a good look at the stars has been years! So much pollution in the big cities and now global warming has caused our atmospheres to get very obscured and tainted like the presidents tinted limousine windows.

I recently performed a lab experiment in astronomy where we estimated statistically how many stars were visible in a normally polluted Chapel Hill sky, juxtaposed with an ideally unpolluted CH sky. Now yes it was a simulated lab in Morehead planetarium, and yes the planetarium is a scale of 1/6 th the size the nighttime horizon actually is, but it is a nice simulation of the night time sky, and many thanks to Karl Ziess.

So my results were that I could only see 54% of the stars that are visible to the human eye. Given that you can barely get off with seeing 3000 stars in a given place on the earth, compared to the estimated billions of stars in the universe, you kind of feel a bit cheated when it comes down to it. I don't want to sound like an astronomy geek, but I really wish just for the sake of star gazing that it was some time before the industrial revolution. Other than that, I enjoy the blessings of technology that I am very thankful to have.

I sit here, in front of my computer eating some carrots and a piece of cheese, and I can't help but contemplate the meaning of my existence. Everything in the world seems to have a role, and a place. Animals of the world keep each other in balance. Why is it so hard then to visualize humans doing the same thing in the world? We seem to have way to much influence and our ability to be concientous makes us sort of forget about what we really do in this world because we are to busy categorizing everything else. As I am still sitting here crunching on a very crunchy carrot, I feel like my writing about nothing particularly interesting is quite trivial. This blog is read by hardly anyone, and it contains 0% useful information, or at least that's how I feel about what I am writing. Otherwise I would try and bring some traffic to my site, to try and publicise my thoughts.

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Astrology

I always enjoyed reading my astronomy horoscopes, and for some reason they really do contain many traits that I do possess. It amuses me, and maybe it may amuse you. Here is a sample of one that I did today.

thanks to: astrology.com

Birth Date and Time..... May 12, 1988 4:26 AM
Birth Location............. Newark, New Jersey
Sun Sign.................... Taurus

Section 1: How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others

You meet life head on and throw yourself into new experiences with zest and enthusiasm. You are direct, straightforward, assertive, and usually completely aboveboard in all your dealings. Candid and incapable of guile, insincerity or phoniness, you project a confident and sometimes arrogant appearance to others. You often lack tact and sensitivity, and can be completely oblivious to others' needs, and inadvertently selfish. You are self-reliant and don't depend upon social approval and reinforcement as much as other people do. You like to be original and do not mind going it alone. You may feel that you do not fit into groups very well, and that you do not naturally blend in and cooperate with others very easily. You like to be either a leader or a loner.

Section 2: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation
You are a steadfast and patient soul, capable of tremendous devotion, dedication, endurance, and constancy. The ability to follow through and stick with things is one of your greatest assets. Once your course is set, you pursue it tenaciously until it is completed, stubbornly resisting any attempts to sway you from your purpose.

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Woof woof

Dogs. Proclaimed to be man's best friend. Is there really any basis to that?


Well, yes.

A beautiful history of working together ever since man first domesticated the Canis lupus has produced a wide array of dog breeds and personalities. I love to watch Cesar Millan and the Dog Whisperer television show. Not only is he a pretty good looking guy, but he has a passion and a dream that he pursued and although it was not his original plan, he made his place in the world a very important one, and I admire that. Also his philosophy is as simple and fundamental as nature, and for me he is a constant reminder that we (people) sometimes look to far into the simple things in life. Excersize, discipline, affection. Those three items in that specific order is the way that you create a calm submissive and well balanced canine companion; and in that order Cesar continuously proves his philosophy correct on every episode that has been aired. If you really think about it, if people were to take this frame work and apply it to their own world, they would probably find a more meaningful and balanced life for themself. For example, if I were to excersize by going to work, school, and physical alleviation - followed by discipline which would be to reinforce what I learned in that day, as well as maybe making sure that I keep my priorities in order and I do not procrastinate on tasks - then once I have finished the former tasks I can then give myself affection maybe by getting a slice of pizza, or going bowling with my good friend Don. If one lead their life in a manner as such, there would be little room for excuses about not being able to be structured, or having feelings of worthlessness because you have a daily agenda for personal success.

So, there may be some basis to the question put forth. They just might be a way to learn more about our self, since we already have proved ourselves quite self sufficient in the area of making nature comply to our needs. Nature is our "best friend"...

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